AN ANGEL WATCHING OVER ME
by dreamgirlmiller
Summary: A FEW LETTERS GO A LONG WAY TO HEAL A BROKEN HEART.XX
1. Chapter 1

AN ANGEL WATCHING OVER ME.

A & J BELONG TO ED NOT TO ME AND NEITHER DOES P.S I LOVE YOU.

THIS IS A LITTLE OF ED AND P.S I LOVE YOU ALL ROLLED INTO ONE.

LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK AND IF I SHOULD CARRY ON OR NOT. XX

Aaron held that red shirt for dear life, that familiar smell immediately struck him. Over and over again the tears threatened to fall, his stomach was in knots. Panic slowly started to over take him. It wasn't one of there silly little fights that they frequently had. Stood in dale head it finally hit, Jackson was gone. He was never coming back. He would never again run his hand through them soft curls, never would he feel his warm lips on his , never again would he wake up wrapped round the builder but worst of all never again would he see that beautiful smile that lit up a whole room. All that was left of him was a mixture of happy and sad memories and an image of his face and as the days wore on that image became more vague.

Their plan was pretty simple or at least Aaron's was. Once he had finally realised that he did in fact love Jackson, the plan was to stay together forever. They knew that this plan didn't fit with most of the village. They either thought the builder was too good for him or that he would run a mile when Jackson returned home but he proved them all wrong, he proved that it didn't matter to him if his lover could walk or not 'cos he wasn't going anywhere. He loved him with all his heart and after finally proving this to Jackson they were finally back together and happy.

Aaron's eyes were tender and puffy from all the crying he had done that night and for the nights over the past few weeks since he had gone. He had fallen into fitful sleep in the early hours of the morning. Each day he would wake up sprawled across Jackson's bed and once again it was the phone call from a concerned Paddy or a concerned C|has that roused him. They probably thought that all he did was sleep. Where were the phone calls when he listlessly roamed the house like a zombie, searching rooms for...for what? What was he expecting to find?

"Hello" he answered groggily.

"O sorry, did I wake you love?" it was his mother. Every morning she would call relieved that he had braved the ghosts of the night.

"No I was just dozing, it's OK." always the same answer. He was silently praying that she would get the message that he just wanted to be left alone. No amount of worrying from her would bring his best friend, his soul mate, his lover back.

That soothing sympathetic voice of his mothers always brought on fresh tears. But it didn't sooth him. It made him remember why they were worried and that they shouldn't have to be. Jackson should be here beside him, rolling his eyes and cracking some silly joke that he thought was hilarious.

"Jackson, turn off the light" he said as he watched him prance around the room before him. Danced a round performing a strip tease, slowly unbuttoning his red checked shirt. He raised his eyebrows towards Aaron and let it slip from his shoulders.

"turn off the light? What and miss all this? He teased. He wasn't a vain man thought Aaron but his body was beautiful. He had a nice slender frame that wasn't too muscly but always excited him and when ever his arms were wrapped around Aaron he always felt safe.

Aarons breath caught in the back of his throat as he started to lower his boxers but all to soon it was over.

Jackson had finished his strip tease and jumped into bed snuggling up to Aaron to get warm.

"Jackson"

"Aaron." He mimicked

"Didn't you forget something?"

"No. not that I know of," he answered

"The light?"

"Ah yes, the light," he said sleepily, and pretended to snore loudly.

"Jackson!"

"I had to get out of bed and do it last night, as I remember."

"Yeah, but you were just standing right beside the switch a second ago!"

"Yes... just a second ago," he repeated.

"I can't do it every night, you know, Aaron. Someday I might not be here and then what will you do?"

"Get my new boyfriend to do it."

"Ha"

"Or just remember to do it myself before I get into bed"

Jackson snorted. "Fat chance of that happening. I'll have to leave a message on the switch for you before I go, just so you'll remember."

"How thought full of you"

Tears once again rolled down his cheeks as he realised he was daydreaming. He laid frozen on the bed with the phone still attached to his ear. The hours just seemed to pass by. He didn't know what time it was let alone what day it even was. He seemed to be living outside of his body, numb to everything except the pain in is heart.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

Aaron was walking through the fields at the top of the village, it was beautiful with the wind blowing gently through the array of flowers, causing silky petals to brush against his finger tips as he pushed his way through the long strands of bright green grass. The sun shone bright in the cloudless sky. All around him the birds were whistling their happy tune.

Suddenly it was dark as the beautiful bright sun disappeared behind a looming grey cloud. The wind picked up and the air chilled. The beautiful array of flowers that were gently swaying with the breeze were now racing through the air widely. It was deafly silent as the birds had stopped singing their happy tune. Something was wrong and he felt afraid. Ahead of him in the distance a grey stone stood visible against the tall grass. He wanted to run, too scared to go forward and reveal what lay ahead but knew he couldn't .

BANG! BANG! He collapsed to his knees in front of the grey slab and let out a scream of pain as he realised what it was. Jackson's grave. BANG! BANG! BANG!.

He was trying to get out, he could hear him calling his name!

AARON! AARON! AARON!.

He jumped to a loud banging on the door. "I know you're there! Please let me in!" BANG! BANG! BANG!

Confused and half asleep, he made his way to the door to a frantic looking Paddy.

"Christ! What were you doing? I've been banging for ages. You guna let me in then?"

"ERR yeah, yeah sorry."

He had tried to avoid Paddy as much as possible over the past few weeks. He loved him but he just couldn't handle the whole you need to get on with your life. Jackson wouldn't want you moping around like this Aaron.!

He was content to be miserable. It somehow felt right.

It was nearly dark by the time Paddy had left. They had spent the day laughing and joking about old times, then crying again. Paddy had given him some prospective. Aaron hadn't even thought about the fact that Paddy had lost a friend and a surrogate son and that Hazel had lost her only child. He had been too busy thinking about himself. It had been good being with the living again, instead of moping around with the ghosts of his past. Tomorrow was a new day and he intended on beginning it by collecting that envelope.

Aaron started his day well by getting up early. However, although he had gone to bed full of optimism, and and excited about the prospects that lay ahead, he was struck with afresh by the harsh reality of how hard every moment would be. Once again he woke to an empty bed, but there was a small break through though, he had not woken up to a phone call. He adjusted his mind like he did every morning, to the fact that the dreams of him and Jackson being together, were just that: dreams!

Aaron made his way to his mothers. He stopped outside the pub and took a deep breath. To his mothers surprise he had called he first thing and said he would be visiting today. It was now mid day and he was stood outside with butterflies in his tummy. Apart from the visits his mother had paid him over the last few weeks he hadn't really spent any proper time with his family. He didn't want all the attention, the intrusive questions about how he was feeling fired his way all day. However he needed to put that fear aside 'cos this was his family and in their own twisted way he knew they cared.

He didn't plan on staying long, just have a little chat and collect the envelope. He was determined to end his silent self-torture about what could be inside.

Aaron and his mother had spent the past few hours in and out of conversation about tedious things really. Eventually he plucked up the courage to ask for the envelope.

"Oh, of course, love, I completely forgot about it. I hope it's nothing important. It's been here for a while."

"I'll find out soon enough." he said.

He said his goodbyes. He couldn't get out of there quick enough. He perched on one of the wooden benches out side the pub. His mother hadn't described it very well 'cos it wasn't an envelop in fact it was a big brown parcel with two big thick and bold words written across the front: 'THE LIST'.

His trembling fingers gently tore at the seal. he turned it upside down and shook the contents out. Out fell ten separate envelopes, each with a different month written on them. His heart missed a few beats as he saw the familiar handwriting on the loose page underneath the pile of envelopes.

It was from Jackson!


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey guys I hope you all had a great Christmas. I thought I'd get a quick chapter in before the new year madness begins... I will try and get another chapter done tonight and upload that for you as well. I'm glad that you are enjoying this fic 'cos I know that the Aaron in this is different to the Aaron we have seen on screen but I wanted to come away from all that and I think P.S I love you is the perfect love again for reading. xxx**

**Just to pre warn you all i have had to change the month in which Jackson died to fit in with this fic. sorry in advance if this upsets anyone. xxxx**

_My darling Aaron,_

_I don't know where you are or when exactly you are reading this. I just hope that my letter has found you safe and healthy. You whispered to me not long ago that you couldn't do this without me and that you needed me. You can, Aaron._

_You are strong and brave and you can get through this. We shared some beautiful times together and you made my life...you made my life. I have no regrets._

_But I am just a chapter in your life – there will be many more. Remember our wonderful memories, but please don't be afraid to make more._

_Thank you for existing and walking in to Bar west that night and into my life. Thank you for everything, I am eternally grateful._

_Whenever you need me, know that I am with you._

_Love forever_

_your lover, best friend and soul mate._

_Your Jackson._

_P.S. That list we often joked about. Well here it is. The following envelopes must be opened exactly when labelled and must be obeyed. And remember, I'm looking out for you, so I will know..._

Aaron broke down, sadness but also relief swept over him. Relief that somehow for a little while anyway Jackson would still remain with him. He looked through the envelopes and noticed that they all had a month written on them. It was April now. He noticed that he had missed March so he picked out the envelope. He opened it slowly, wanting to savour every moment. Inside was a small card with Jacksons handwriting on it. It read:

_Save yourself the nuisance of having to get back out of bed every night and buy a bedside lamp!_

_P.S. I Love You..._

His tears soon turned to laughter as he realised his Jackson was back!

Aaron read and reread his letter over and over again in an attempt to summon him back to life. Eventually, when he could no longer see the words through his tears, he ran up to the Pavilion. He would always come here if he needed time alone to think and everyone knew that if they couldn't find him then he would be there. He took deep calming breathes until his pulse rate slowed down. He thought about how he used to sit there watching Jackson sleep, watch his chest rise and fall. He had been terrified to leave him. Terrified to go to work or even to the toilet just in case that was the time he chose to leave him. Looking back on it now he realised that he needed Jackson more than Jackson needed him. He needed to be needed so he could feel that he wasn't just standing idly by, utterly helpless. On the 7th June Aaron had given him that fateful drink as he kissed him for the last time he felt relief, not relief for himself, for himself he felt sad and heartbroken and absolutely completely lost. He felt relief because he knew that this was what Jackson truly wanted and by doing this he was free from the mental pain his day to day life had brought him. Relief that he had been there to witness the peace of his passing. He felt relieved to have known him, to have loved him and to have been loved by him, relief that the last the last thing he saw was his face and to e able to have told him and to be told just one last time that they truly loved each other and that they would never be forgotten.

The days after were a blur. He had occupied himself by finding the perfect picture of him to show on his funeral day. He remained solid and calm through it all.

It didn't occur to him at the time to feel the anger or bitterness that he felt right now for the life that was taken away from him. That feeling made a grand appearance whilst he was sat in the pub. He was sandwiched between Adam and Mia and Dermot and Pearl – the picture of what he and Jackson had once been and a glimpse of the future they could have had. Aaron felt squashed between the shoulders of his past and his lost future, and he felt suffocated. He shouldn't have to be there. It didn't seem fair but then nothing in his life seemed fair.

Aaron could hardly contain his excitement as he dialled Adams number. After reaching a few wrong numbers he eventually calmed himself and concentrated on dialling correctly.

'Adam' he all but squealed down the phone as it was answered.

'Eh, no...it's Mia, but I'll get him for you.'

'what's wrong?' panted an out of breath Adam. 'Are you OK?'

'Yes I'm fine!' Aaron started hysterically. Not knowing whether to laugh or cry.

Mia watched as Adam sat on the couch trying to make out what the rambling of Aaron were.

'Stop' he all but shouted down the phone to Aaron 'I can't understand a word your saying. Take a deep breath and start from the beginning, preferably with the English language'

'He wrote me a list Adam'

'OK Aaron I want you to get over here as quick as you can. This is...great news?'

Adam hung up the phone and sat in silence. He was worried, worried because he wasn't sure he actually heard right. Time would tell though because Aaron would be there soon enough.

'wow,' was all Adam and Mia could say.

Aaron had emptied the contents of the package onto the kitchen table.

'But how did he manage to...?'

'But how didn't we notice him...well...? God'

'When do you think he...? Well, i suppose he was on his own sometimes with Joe...maybe he asked him to...'

They all sat staring at each other as they tried to figure out how Jackson had managed to do this without any of them knowing.

'Are you OK, Aaron? I mean, how do you feel about all of this? It must be...weird,' Asked Mia.

'I feel fine, honestly its a little weird but I'm OK.'

'OK. Well let's study this more closely then,' perked up Adam, suddenly starting to enjoy himself. 'There's how many envelopes?'

'Erm...there's ten,' counted Mia, joining in with the spirit of their new task.

'OK, so what months are there?' Adam asked.

There's March which i have already opened, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December.

'So there's a message for every month left in the year.'

Aaron was happy. whatever Jackson had in store for him was going to be interesting.

'Hold on!' Adam exclaimed. It's April now and you haven't opened this months envelope yet.'

Aaron picked up the envelope and slowly opened it. There were only eight more to open after this and he wanted to treasure every second before it became another memory.

_A Disco Diva must always look his best. Go shopping for an outfit as you'll need it for next month!_

P.S I Love You...


	4. Chapter 4

**Another change, I'm sorry guys but for the sake of this fic Aaron's birthday will be in April.**

Aaron lay on his bed, switching the lamp on and off with a smile on his face. He had drawn the curtains of his bedroom in order to test the new merchandise. He thought how easily this could have ended their nightly arguments, but perhaps neither of them wanted to end them. It had become a routine, something familiar that made them feel closer. Not that it really mattered towards the end. It's not like Jackson could get out of bed and walk over to the switch but again this didn't matter to Aaron, he would gladly get out of his cosy warm bed and brave the coldness of the floor for him. He would do anything to make him OK and happy.

The sound snow patrol's 'Just say yes' snapped him out of his daydream. It was his phone, he looked at the display and saw that it was Hazel calling.

'Hello'

'G'Day, I'm home!' Shrieked that voice that he used to cringe at once.

'Hazel, I...I didn't know you were coming home!'

'Well neither did I but I thought it was time. I was half expecting to see you this morning when I arrived home.'

'ERM...yeah I didn't stop there last night. Not really sure why I didn't but...'

'No bother...will you...you will pop in though won't you?'

'Yeah..yeah sure. I'll see you soon'

He was kicking himself. Ever since Jackson had been brought home he practically moved himself into Dale head so he couldn't understand why he hadn't stayed there last night. He had done every other night since then..

On his birthday, Aaron stood in front of the mirror. He had carried out Jackson's orders and purchased a new outfit. What for he didn't know but several times a day he had to drag himself away from the temptation of opening the envelope for May. There were only two days left until he could and the anticipation left him no room to think of anything else.

He rang the door bell and he could hear the excited chatter of his friends and family inside. He had hoped that it would just be Hazel, he didn't fancy a big night of it just a quiet few drinks with his mother in law then he would move on to the pub and have some drinks with his family and friends. It would seem they had different ideas though.

Hazel answered the door and gave him a confused look as if to say 'why are you ringing the bell'.

His mother was stood there with a bottle of champagne in her hands ready and waiting for him to do the honours. Everyone ran for cover and ducked as Aaron began to remove the cork. 'Hey I'm not that bad, everyone!'.

They all laughed as they heard the pop and crawled out from their hiding place.

Hazel decided that a toast was needed.

'OK, here's to my wonderful son in-law in the whole world who has had such a difficult year, but throughout all has been one of the bravest and strongest people I know and if it wasn't for him I wouldn't have gotten through all of this myself. Aaron you haven't just been my sons rock through all of this you have also been mine. I couldn't have asked for a better boyfriend and friend for my boy! To Aaron!'

To Aaron,' they all chorused.

Aaron woke with his head pounding. His mouth was as dry as Gandhi's sandal and his vision was impaired. He leaned up onto one elbow and tried to open his eyes. It was bright, very bright and the room seemed to be spinning. He collapsed back down onto the bed having run out of the little energy he had. Suddenly there was an alarm going off, it took him a while to realise that it wasn't actually an alarm but his phone ringing beside his bed. The bed which he noticed was Jackson's. He was glad that he had spent the night there and not at Paddy's, even though Paddy's would always be his home this is where hie heart was and where he felt at peace.

'Hello' he croaked.

'Oh good, I'm not the only one,'

'Who are you?' Aaron croaked again.

'I think my name is Adam, but I can't be quite sure. The woman beside me seems to think I know her.'

He could hear Mia laughing.

'What happened last night'

'Alcohol happened and lots of it'

'Oh anything else?'

'Nope not that I can remember'

'OK, well I think I might just go back to sleep, hopefully when I wake up next the room will have stopped spinning'

'Good idea Aaron. Goodnight.'

Eventually he woke with his stomach screaming demands for food. He decided to order as he could not be bothered to cook. He sat snuggled up in Jackson's bed watching Saturday night TV. After the trauma of being without Jackson for his birthday the previous day, Aaron was surprised to notice that he felt very content with himself. It was the first time since Jackson died that he was comfortable with his own company. There was a slight chance that he might just get through this without him and be fine.

**Sorry guys just a short one, probably wont get chance to do another this week but I will update as soon as I can. Thanks again for reading and please let me know your thoughts. xxx**


	5. Chapter 5

Aaron sat on the edge of the bed nervously drumming his fingers along the soft sheets. He gulped back what must have been his 3rd coffee, he couldn't quite remember. It would seem that staying awake for just two more hours proved quite difficult. He must have still been tired from the night before and the amount of alcohol they had consumed.

He tapped his feet against the side impatiently. It was eleven thirty. Just half an hour left to go before he could open that envelope, that envelope that he currently had sat in front of him. He was pretty sure it was sticking it's tongue out at him and singing 'Nah nah na-nah nah.'

He picked it up and run his hands over it. He thought to himself, who would know if he opened it early. He was pretty sure Adam and Mia would have forgotten about it by now. Aaron could just lie as easily if they ever asked him, but then again they probably wouldn't even really care anyway. No one would know and no on would care.

But that wasn't true.! Jackson would know.!

Each time he held the envelope in his hands he felt a connection with Jackson. The last two times he had opened them he felt as if Jackson was with him, sitting there right beside him. He felt as if they were playing a game together, even though they were in two different worlds. He would know if he had cheated and he couldn't do that to Jackson, he had to respect his last wishes.

After another cup of coffee Aaron was bouncing of the walls. The small hand of the clock seemed to be auditioning for a part in Bay Watch with it's slow- motion run around the dial, but eventually it struck midnight. Once again he slowly turned the envelope in his hands. Jackson had been the last person to touch this, the last person to lick the seal. He treasured every moment.. Jackson sat opposite him 'Go on open it!'

he carefuly tore it open and slid the card out.

_Go on, disco diva! Face your fear of Karaoke at Bar West this month, and you never know, you might be rewarded..._

_P.S. I Love You..._

He felt Jackson watching him and the corners of his mouth lifted into a smile.

'NO WAY!'

After the fits of laughter had finally stopped and he caught his breath he repeated

'NO WAY! Jackson! You Bastard! There is absolutely no way I am doing that!'

Jackson laughed at him.

'This is not funny Jackson! You know I don't like doing things like that so why would you request this?'

'You have to do it, you know' laughed Jackson.

'No I do not!'

'Do it for me.'

'No I am not doing this. Not for you or anybody for that matter!'

'For me please'

The sound of the phone caused him to jump. It was Adam. 'OK it's five past 12, what did the the card say? We are dying to know!'

'What makes you think I opened it?'

'Ha' Adam says. 'We have been friends for a few years now mate, I think I know you pretty well by now. So come on what does it say? The suspense is killing me!'

'Nope I'm not doing it, there is no way on this earth I am doing this even if it is Jackson that has asked me to do it!'

'Why, what is is, it can't be that bad can it?'

'Oh no just Jackson's attempt at trying to be funny that's all'

'Oooh.. I'm intrigued now. Tell us .'

'OK...Jackson wants me...to...singatakaraoke' He quickly blurted out.

'Come again Aaron, didn't get that'

'He...Wants...Me...To...Sing...At...A...karaoke...'

'HA HA HA HA. Are you being serious, and he really wants you to sing...? I so have to be there for this...I'd pay to see this!'

'I'm so glad your happy ADAM and at my expense. I'm not doing it!'

He heard more laughter before the line went dead. He wasn't doing it and he hated Adam for laughing at him. A few minuets later the phone rang again, it was Adam again. He could still hear him chuckling to himself. What supportive friends I have he thought to himself.

'Adam...Adam...Adam you there?' he asked before he heard more fits of laughter and the line went dead again..

'Oh Jackson! I thought you were supposed to be helping me, nope still in another world you find a way to crack you silly pranks and make our friends happy at my expense!'

Needless to say he got very little sleep that night...

PLEASE R & R

I MAY POST A FEW CHAPS AT THE WKND

HAPPY NEW YEAR GUYS. XX


	6. Chapter 6

Aaron woke to his phone ringing, it was Adam again. He wasn't best pleased as he didn't get to sleep until well after 3 am, he was kept awake thinking about Jackson's latest instalment for him, he was adamant he wasn't going to do it but he felt guilty about it though..he felt like his was letting his boyfriend down by not following through with his requests.

'Helloooooo, Earth to Aaron, You still there or am I talking to myself?'

'Oh sorry Adam, what did you say again?'

'I asked you if you had thought any more about doing the karaoke?

'NO I have not 'cos I'm not doing it end of!'

'OK, calm down I was only asking. Anyway I thought that if you didn't fancy doing it at Bar West then we could maybe hire a karaoke machine and set it up at dale head. That way you will be honouring Jackson's wishes just minus the embarrassment! What do you think?'

'ERM nice thought but he wants me to do it at Bar west'

'Ah, so sweet! Because you're his disco diva?'

'I think that was the general idea yeah mate, although I don't know how he would think that though. He knows...knew that I would never do anything like that.' He replied miserably.

He could feel himself slipping back to his old ways. All his positive thoughts of the past few weeks were slowly melting away. It was bloody tiring trying to be happy all the time and he just didn't have the energy and to be honest he didn't really care. His phone vibrated signalling he had a text. It was from Adam.

Bar West number 33370700

think bout it. Would be fun.

Do it for Jackson.

Jackson's bloody dead he felt like texting back. But ever since he had opened the first letter he didn't feel dead to him. It was like he was just working away and was just writing to him.

He might as well ring the club he thought, there was no harm in that it didn't mean he had to go through with it

He rang the club and found out that the karaoke was on a Tuesday night. It turned out it wasn't just a pop in and sing karaoke, it was actually a competition. He was happy at first because you had to book in advance and it was currently booked up but the bar manager had taken his name and number and said he would call him back if there was any cancellations. He had given him Adams name and pretended it was him calling on behalf of his friend Aaron. But not long after he had received a phone call from the bar manager who's name was Daniel. It turned out that Jackson had already entered Aaron's name a few months back. He just sat there on the end of the bed shocked and unable to move.

Mia, Adam and Aaron sat by the window in the café. They had decided to meet up for lunch and instead of going to the pub they chose the café instead.

'I can't believe Jackson organised all of this!' gasped Adam.

'It'll be fun though won't it?' Mia said excitedly.

'Oh God.' Aaron had butterflies in his stomach just at the thought of it. 'I still really, really, _really _don't want to do it but I feel like I have to finish off what Jackson started. And I only want you two there, no one else. I don't want to make a big deal out of this so can we please keep it between us. Please.?'

'Hmm OK then' Adam said. Not really sure if he could keep it to himself. 'So when is the big night then?'

'Next Tuesday.' Aaron groaned, playfully banging his head off the table repeatedly. This caused a little bit of attention from the surrounding tables.

'Don't worry, that gives you exactly seven days to transform yourself into Mariah Carey. No problem at all.' Adam said smiling at Mia.

'Oh please, we would have better chance teaching Lennox Lewis how to do ballet.' Said Mia.

'Well thanks for the encouragement Mia'. Aaron said lifting his head up off of the table.

'Ooh but imagine Lennox Lewis in a pair of tights, that tight little arse of his dancing around.' Mia said dreamily.

'You lost the plot there love' Adam said.

Snapping out of her daydream she said. 'what but just imagine those big muscular thighs...'

'That would snap your neck in two if you went near him' Adam finished for her.

'Mmmm, now there's a thought' Mia said, widening her eyes.

'Anyway' Adam said 'back to the task in hand. What do you plan on singing?'

'Erm, absolutely no idea!'

Aaron had decided to give paddy a call on his way home and see if it was ok to pop in, even though he didn't really know why cause technically Smithy was still his home after all. He hadn't officially moved into Dale Head. He contemplated heading straight to Dale Head though after the vet had informed him that his mother was there but then he couldn't avoid her forever. When he arrived Paddy was just setting another cup of coffee down at the table. And it wasn't just his mum there, there was Rhona and Hazel as well.

'So, what's this I hear about you singing in a karaoke competition next week then?' Rhona asked with a great big grin on her face.

'What?' Chas asked, her eyes nearly popping out of her head.

Aaron pretended that he didn't know anything about it.

'Ah, come on Aaron!. Danny told me about it!' she explained who this Danny was and that she knew him from her college days. 'You can't deny it Aaron, I popped in to have a coffee with him earlier and I saw your name on the list.'

'OK, OK. Jackson entered me into the competition a few months ago and as much as I _really _don't want to do it I feel like I have to go through with it. It's stupid 'cos if Jackson was still here I would tell him to do one...'

'That sounds just like my Jackson! Hazel said after she had gotten over the initial shock. 'I think it's a wonderful idea love. We will be there to support you.'

'Honestly you really don't have to. It's no big deal' he said absolutely mortified at the idea of his family being there. He really did wish that he had gone straight to Dale Head now.

The big day had finally arrived. His worst nightmare, singing in public. Aaron wasn't even the type of person to sing in the shower for fear of cracking all the mirrors. But man was he spending a lot of time in the toilet today. Aaron had dressed in the outfit that Jackson had told him to buy and cursed him throughout. Adam and Mia collected him in a taxi and he had refused to talk to them, cursing everyone for forcing him to do this. He felt physically sick and couldn't sit still. Every time the taxi stopped he contemplated on making a run for it but by the time he had plucked up the courage to do it it would start again.

'Relax Aaron,' Adam said 'Everything will be fine.'

'Fuck off.' He snapped.

They continued the journey in silence. The finally arrived at the club and much to his horror the club was packed and he had to squeeze his way through mountains of bodies to reach his family.

'Hi, Aaron,' Daniel said approaching him with a clipboard in his hands. 'OK, here's the order of tonight: first up is a girl called Margaret, then a guy called Keith and then you're up.'

'So I'm third.'

'Yeah after-'

'That's all I need to know.' Aaron snapped rudely. He just wanted everyone to stop annoying him and leave him alone to wish evil thoughts on them all. He had even scouted around to see if there was an emergency button he could press to evacuate the club.

'Good evening ladies and gentlemen!. We have an exciting night ahead of us...' the guy went on in his DJ voice while Aaron danced from one foot to the other nervously. He desperately needed the toilet again.

'So first up tonight is Margaret who is going to sing the theme to Titanic, My Heart Will Go On. Y Celine Dion. Please put your hands together for the wonderful Margaret!'

when she began to sing the crowd quiet. They were all staring at her in amazement, including Aaron's family.

'Wasn't that incredible?' The DJ announced. The crowd cheered. ' Next up we have Keith. You may remember him as last year's winner. He's singing America by Neil Diamond.' the crowd clapped again as he made his way to the stage.

Aaron rushed to the toilet. He paced up and down to try and calm himself. It didn't work.

The crowed cheered again outside and he froze. That meant he was next.

'Wasn't he great ladies and gentlemen. Perhaps he is going for the record again. Next we have Aaron and he is singing...'

He ran to the toilet and locked himself in. There was no way in this world they were getting him out of there.

'So ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for Aaron!.

There was a huge applause.


	7. Chapter 7

'Aaron Livesy are you here?' the karaoke host's voice boomed. The crowd's loud chatters quietened down as they searched the room for him. Outside the cubical door he heard the toilet door open and slam. Uh-oh they were coming to get him, whoever they were.

'Aaron?'

it was Adam.

'Aaron I know you're there so just listen to me, OK?. OK, I know that this is an absolute nightmare for you and I know how much you hate doing things like this but you need to relax, OK?'

his voice was so soothing, Aaron's shoulders began to relax.

'Aaron, I hate mice you know that. And my worst nightmare would be to walk out of here to a room full of mice. Now could you imagine me?'

Aaron smiled at the thought, Adam would probably run a mile screaming like a girl if he saw a mouse.

'Yeah, well, I would be right here where you are now and nothing in the world would bring me out. Anyway, Aaron, all I'm saying is you don't have to do this if you don't want to. Nobody is forcing you...'

'Ladies and gentlemen, let's let Aaron know that he's up next!' yelled the DJ.

Everybody began to stamp there feet and chant his name.

'OK, well nobody who cares about you anyway,' stammered Adam. 'But if you don't do this I know you will never be able to forgive yourself because Jackson wanted this and he obviously had his reasons. Lets just put this down as another silly Aaron day and we can laugh at it in a few months time yeah?'

He came out of the cubical and charged straight for the door. He knew Adam was right, he wouldn't forgive himself. He would feel like he has letting Jackson down. And he didn't really care what the crowd thought about his singing, it's unlikely that he would see any of them again.

Aaron had everybody's attention now, if he hadn't hid in the toilet like he did then the people at the back probably wouldn't be paying any attention but he had so all eyes were on him.

There was complete silence as the music started. He stared down at the table where his family were and cleared his throat.

With an extremely shaky and timid voice he sang. ' "_What would you do if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk out on me?'"_

His family howled with laughter at the choice of song. To help him along Hazel started to sing along to the chorus with him. This encouraged the rest of his family to sing and even a few of the crowd joined in. ' "_Ooh, I'll get by with a little help from my friends; yes I'll get by with a little help from my friends.'"_

when he had finally finished singing the DJ took the microphone from him and between laughs managed to say 'please give it up for Aaron'.

'That was terrible mate' Adam said 'But I'm proud of you and Jackson would be too'

he just smiled at him and looked at Hazel.

'Thanks for helping me' he said to her and she smiled at him.

His mum waved at him from the bar and took a picture. He just hid in the corner drinking his pint.

Hazel shuffled over to him and sat quietly for a while listening to the next act on stage. Eventually she plucked up the courage and turned to Aaron with tears in her eyes. 'Jackson's probably here you know.'Poor Hazel, she missed her boy so much.

She was right though Aaron thought. He could feel him, he could feel him wrapping his arms around him and giving him one of his hugs that he missed so much.

Daniel took to the stage to announce the winners. 'OK, I would like to thank everyone for taking part in tonight's competition. You provided us all with some terrific entertainment. So the two people that will be going through to the final stage are...Keith and Samantha!'

'I voted for Keith' Chas announced.

'Yeah that's because he is cute' Rhona laughed.

'Well we all have our individual talents'. Adam agreed.

Aaron wondered what his were. It must be wonderful to win something, to know that you have a gift. He had never won anything in his life. He didn't really have any hobbies and didn't do any sport or anything. Aaron had lived his life being interested in Jackson. In fact, everything he did revolved around him. In a way, being his boyfriend was all he was good at really. (in the end anyway he thought). Now what did he have...Jackson was no longer around and he couldn't even sing in a karaoke competition properly...never mind win it.

Aaron looked around the club. Adam and Mia sat gazing into each others eyes like two love struck teenagers, Hazel, Paddy and Rhona had left and his mum...where was his mum. He spotted her sitting on the edge of the stage swinging her legs and striking a very provocative pose for the karaoke host.

Aaron was alone. As much as he wanted to leave them all too it he knew that he had to stay, there would be plenty of times in the future when he would be alone like this, the only singleton in the company of couples and he needed to adapt. He felt angry that they hadn't even noticed him but then cursed himself. He couldn't have asked for more supportive friends and family. Maybe this was Jackson's intention. Maybe that this situation was what he needed. Maybe he thought this would help him. Perhaps he was right because he was certainly being tested. This was forcing him to be brave in more ways than one. He had sung to hundreds of people and now he was stuck in a room full of couples. Whatever his plan was, he was being forced to become braver without him.

Aaron was getting bored now and was just about ready to leave when Daniel came over.

'Can I get you a drink, Aaron?'

'No thanks, I'm heading home now'

'Ah, Aaron!' Adam protested, you can't go yet. Get him a pint' he said as he turned to face Daniel.

Before Aaron could protest he had already left for the bar.

Adam and Mia had made there way over to the dance floor before Daniel came back.

'where's Adam gone' he asked.

'over there' Aaron said pointing to the dance floor.

'Ah well more drinks for you then' Daniel said sliding a shot glass across the table.

'Ugh, what's this?'

Daniel looked away awkwardly 'I can't remember'

'Oh, come on! I had to stand in front of a few people and make a fool of myself. The least I deserve is to know what I'm drinking!'

Daniel looked at him with a smile on his face. 'it's called a BJ. You should have seen the bar man's face when I asked for one. I don't think he knew it was a shot!. Adam suggested it, something about it being an easy drink to swallow.'

Aaron just laughed at that, trust Adam..

'So..if you don't mind me asking. If you hate singing so much, why did you enter?.

'Oh my hilarious boyfriend thought it would be a good idea to enter me into a singing competition.'

Daniel laughed. 'is he here tonight then.' he asked. 'I don't want him thinking I'm poisoning you with this awful concoction.'

Aaron looked around. 'yeah he is definitely here...somewhere.' he smiled.


	8. Chapter 8

Aaron bumbled around for the remainder of may trying to get his life into some sort of order. Day's went by when he would feel happy and content and confident that his life would be OK and then as quickly as the feeling came it would disappear and he would feel sadness again. He tried to find a routine but failed. He found himself sitting there for hours, reliving every memory that he had of Jackson. He would think a lot about the arguments they had and wishing he could take them back. He prayed that Jackson knew that his words were only said in anger and that they didn't actually reflect his true feelings. He tortured himself for the times he had acted so selfishly. He was mad at himself for walking away when he should have hugged him and for always having to go out with his friend and never making time for Jackson friends. He would hold a grudge for days and he would go straight to sleep some nights instead of making love to him. He wished he could only think of the good times but the bad ones always seemed to make there way forward. So much wasted time. And no one had told him they would be short on time. He would go days being happy and walking round with a smile on his face thinking about the good times they had but the tiniest of things would trigger the tears and that was his routine. He couldn't be bothered battling with his mind, it was far stronger than his body and he was just so tired of trying.

His friends and family would pop by and help him through his tears but there always seemed to be something missing. He never seemed truly happy. He just seemed to be passing time till he waited for something else. He was tired of just existing. He wanted to live but what was the point of living when there was no life in it.. there was no Jackson in it.

May had now gone and June had arrived. Bringing bright long evenings and beautiful mornings. It was time to stop hiding in the dark and hold your head up high and come face to face with the truth.

June also brought another letter from Jackson. Aaron sat out in the sun and nervously yet excitedly read the fourth letter. Inside it had listed the items that belonged to Jackson that were still left in the house, and beside each possession he explained what he wanted Aaron and Hazel to do with them and where he wished for them to be sent. At the bottom it read:

_P.S I Love You, Aaron, and I know you love me._

_You don't need my belongings to remember me by,_

_you don't need to keep them as proof that I _

_existed or still exist in your mind. You don't_

_need to wear my shirt to feel me around you;_

_I'm already here...always wrapping my arms around you._

That had been difficult for him to come to terms with. He almost wished he had asked him to do karaoke again. He would do anything except empty out his wardrobes and rid himself of his presence in the house. He and Hazel had relived so many memories with every garment and piece of paper they bagged. Aaron had held almost every item near to him before saying goodbye. Every time it left his fingers it was like saying goodbye to a part of Jackson all over again. It was difficult, so difficult and at times too difficult. Even though they had had offers off of his family and friends Aaron knew it was something him and Hazel had to do alone. Hazel had helped as much as she thought was necessary and left Aaron to do the rest alone. He needed to take his time, say goodbye properly because he wouldn't be getting anything back. Just like Jackson, his things couldn't return. His entire life bundled into twenty refuse sacks. Their memories bundled away into Aaron's mind. Each item unearthed dust, tears, laughter and memories. He bagged the items, cleared the dust, wiped his eyes and filed away the memories for safe keeping.


	9. Chapter 9

Aaron arrived at Bar West. He was the first to arrive. He was meeting Adam here and a few other people for a few drinks. It was still fairly early so there wasn't many people around. He went and sat at a table close to the bar that was in view of the door so that when everyone else arrived they would spot him. A glass smashing over by the bar made him jump, and he looked over to see who it was. Daniels head emerged from the behind the bar with a dustpan and brush in hand.

'Oh, hiya Aaron, you on your own tonight,'

'Erm no, I'm meeting Adam and a few others. I came a bit early though.' he said as he walked over to the bar. He looked different tonight, he thought inspecting him.

'O rite. Well you can keep me company till they come then. What can I get you to drink?'

'Pint please.'

Aaron realised what it was that made him look so different. He wasn't in his usual trademark black. He was wearing faded blue jeans and an open light blue shirt, with a white T-shirt underneath, that complemented his blue eyes so that they seemed to twinkle even more than usual. The sleeves of his shirt were rolled up to just below the elbow, and Aaron could see his muscles through the light fabric. He quickly averted his eyes as he slid the glass towards him.

'can I get you anything?' he asked him.

No thanks, I'll take care of this one.'

'No please' Aaron insisted. 'you've bought me plenty of drinks. It's my turn.'

'OK, I'll have a bud then, thanks.' He leaned against the bar and continued to stare at Aaron.

'What? Do you want me to get it?' Aaron said jumping off his stool and walking round the bar.

Daniel stood back and watched with amusement.

'I always wanted to work in a bar when I was a kid'. He said grabbing a glass and pulling down a tap. He was enjoying himself.

'There's a spare job if you're looking for one'. Daniel said, closely watching him work.

'No thanks, I think I do a better job on the other side of the bar'. He laughed, filling the pint glass.

'Mmm...well, if you're ever looking for work you know where to come,' Daniel said after taking a gulp of his pint. 'you did a good job.'

He went and sat back at the bar and handed Daniel some money. He scorned himself for checking out his bum as he turned to the cash register. It was nice though, firm, but not a nice as Jacksons he decided.

'Has your boyfriend deserted you again tonight?' he teased.

Aaron bit his lip he really didn't want to get into this tonight but he also didn't want Daniel asking about him every time he saw him. Daniel...erm..Ii don't want to make you uncomfortable but he passed away.'

Daniel stopped in his tracks 'Oh I'm sorry Aaron, I didn't know'.

'it's OK I know you didn't'.

'well I didn't meet him the other night but if some one had told me I would have come to the funeral to pay my respects.'

'Aaron looked at his feet. Erm he died in February, Daniel. He wasn't here the other night.'

'O but I thought you said he was' he said looking confused.

'He wasn't here' he said looking around the club 'but he was here' he said putting his hand over his heart.

'Ah, I see' he said understanding what he had meant.

'Hi honey I'm home' Adam announced as he walked into the club.

After a couple of hours they were all merrily on there way to being drunk and to his surprise Aaron was enjoying himself. He wasn't just pretending to laugh or finding things mildly amusing, he was genuinely happy. But all too soon the guilt started to kick in. Aaron quickly slipped away from the gang and escaped through the nearest door. He was sat outside on a wall smoking a cigarette. Thick salty tears trickled down his cheeks and he wrapped his arms around his body to comfort himself. He cried for Jackson, cried for himself with big heaving sobs that hurt his ribs whenever he tried to catch his breath. He didn't want to be alone any more and he didn't want his family seeing his loneliness he tried so hard to hide from them. He just wanted Jackson back and didn't care about anything else. He didn't care if he came back and they fought everyday, he just wanted him back.

He felt someone sit by him and he felt big strong arms wrapping themselves around his body. He cried as though months of built-up anguish were all tumbling out at once. Daniel stroked his hair and rocked him softly. Finally, after crying what felt like all the tears in the world, Aaron stopped and let go of Daniel. 'sorry' he sniffed, drying his face with the sleeves of his top.

'There's no need to be sorry'. He said, gently removing his hand from his face and handing him a tissue. He sat in silence whilst trying to compose himself.

Aaron was stood at the sink staring out side when he heard that familiar voice.

'Hi, honey'.

He looked up and saw him standing at the back door.

'Hello you' he smiled.

'miss me?'

'of course.'

'Have you found that new boyfriend yet?'

'Of course I have. He's in bed asleep' he laughed.

Jackson shook his head and tutted. 'shall I go and suffocate him for sleeping in our bed?'

'Ah give him another hour or so,' he joked. 'he needs his rest'.

He looked beautiful he thought, fresh faced and still as beautiful as he remembered. He was wearing his favourite red shirt. He stared at him from under his long eye lashes with his big brown puppy dog eyes.

'are you coming in?' he asked smiling.

'No, I just popped by to see how you are. Everything going OK?' he leaned against the door with his hands in his pockets.

'so, so,' he said 'could be better. I miss you Jackson'.

' I haven't gone far,' he said softly.

'you leaving me again?'

'for the time being.'

'see you soon' Aaron smiled.

He winked at him and disappeared. Aaron woke up with a smile on his face and felt as if he had slept for days. 'Good morning Jackson.' he said happily, staring up at the ceiling.

**HOPE YOU ALL ENJOY. XX**

**HAPPY NEW YEAR. XXXX**


	10. Chapter 10

I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE CHARACTERS IN THIS FIC ITV DO AND SOME OTHER PEOPLE.

Aaron was in town having had to pick up parts for work. He had stopped of at the shop to get a few things. When he was just about to leave when the plastic handle broke on his bag and the shopping went every where. Great he thought just what I need. He was in the middle of picking the stuff up when he saw another customer of the shop bend down and help him gather his things whilst the rest of the shop watched in amusement. He was about to ask for another bag but the friendly customer got in there first.

'There you go' the friendly customer said handing him the bag. 'I'm rob,' the man said.

'I'm Aaron,' he replied a little embarrassed by his over friendliness, and shook his hand. 'Thanks for the help', he said gratefully, getting to his feet.

'No problem'. He held the door open for him. He was good looking Aaron thought, a few years older than him and the oddest colour eyes, a kind of a grey-green colour.

He blushed suddenly when he realised that he had been staring at him like a fool. He walked out to his car and placed the bag on the back seat. Rob followed him over. His heart did a little flip.

'Hi again', he laughed. 'Erm...I was wondering if you would like to go for a drink?' then he laughed, glancing at his watch. 'Actually, it's a little early for that. How about a coffee?'.

He was a very confident man and he rested himself coolly against the car opposite Aaron. His hands in his pockets.

'Erm..'Aaron thought about it. What harm could it do to go for a coffee with a man who had been so polite to him?

He was just about to say yes when Rob glanced down and his smile faded. ' Oh, sorry didn't realise...' He backed away from him and all Aaron could do was stare after him confused. What had he said or done. He looked down and realised what caused him to run away it was his ring. The ring that Jackson had given him just before he died and he was currently wearing it on his wedding finger. He sighed loudly and rubbed his face then got back to his car and headed back to work.

It was 8 o'clock by the time Aaron had gotten home after finishing work late. He went into the kitchen and stuck the food in the microwave that Hazel had cooked for him earlier and sat at the table waiting for it to ping. He looked down at his ring and immediately felt guilty. When that man had walked away from him he had given him that look as if he was about to initiate an affair when that was the last thing in the world he would ever do. He had felt guilty for even considering accepting his invitation for a coffee. If Aaron had left Jackson because they just couldn't get on any more he could understand being able eventually to be attracted to someone else. But he hadn't Jackson had died. He had died when they were both still so madly in love with each other and he couldn't just fall out of love all of a sudden because Jackson wasn't around any more. He still felt as though he was in a relationship, and going for coffee today would have seemed as if he was betraying Jackson. The very thought disgusted him. His heart, soul and mind still belonged with him. With Jackson...

Aaron twisted the ring around. When should he take it off. Jackson had been gone almost six months now. And what exactly should he do with it if and when he took it off, put it beside his bed so he could be reminded every day... No, he wasn't ready to give up on his Jackson yet. As far as he was concerned he was still living.

Aaron woke to a constant banging on the door. He really wasn't in the mood for visitors. He got up and went to answer it but before he even got chance to Hazel had already let the visitor in. he could hear it was Adam. 'where is he' he could hear him ask but before she got chance to answer him he had made his way through to the bedroom/living room.

'Have you opened it yet?'

Aaron just looked at him, still half asleep he was confused at what his friend was asking him.

'The letter Aaron have you opened it?. Its the first.!'

'Err...Err no not yet.' he was a little shocked at the fact his friend had remembered. He thought he would have forgotten about them by now.

'Well come on the, I'm dying to know what his plans are for you this time. Another karaoke maybe?'

Aaron just looked at him as if to say he better not have. He rooted through the remaining envelopes until he came to the one he wanted. He found July's and sat back down on the end of the bed. He was a little nervous about what could be in this months. It read:

_Have a good holiday!_

_P.S. I Love You..._

' Is that it?' Adam wrinkled up his nose. 'It's a lovely note. It's so thoughtful and it's...

Aaron just laughed at him. 'No you fool!' he said hitting him over the head with the paper. 'There is something else inside as well.' he handed him the torn off piece of paper that was in there as well.

He watched in amusement as Adam tried to figure it all out.

'Oh my God! Did Jackson buy you a holiday?'

'No' Aaron said seriously. He could see that Adam seemed a little disappointed by this. 'Adam, he bought us a holiday!'

'Wow' Adam said.

'Yeah wow. Looks like we are of to lanzarote!. ..Erm will Mia be ok with this..I mean you flying to another country without her I mean?'

'Yeah she will be fine with it'.

JUST A SHORT ONE GUYS. HOPE YOU ENJOY PLEASE READ AND REVIEW. XXX


	11. Chapter 11

Thank god it was a beautiful day. He got to Butlers farm and followed the sounds of laughter, he was glad to see that the garden was already full with family and friends. Holly was standing in the centre, screaming at everyone and loving being the centre of attention. There was a gorgeous smell of barbecued food in the air.

He scanned the area to see who was there exactly. It had turned out good, all of the Barton's were there obviously, most of the dingles had showed up. Never ones to turn down free food and alcohol. There was even some of the other residents of the village including pearl and the vicar and his wife. He spotted Adam and Mia and walked over to them. He hadn't realised that Daniel was with them at first. As he approached them Daniel leaned in ad greeted Aaron with a kiss on the cheek and a hug.

'Hello Aaron'

'Hi Daniel, long time no see.' he said as he accepted the can Daniel was offering him.

It was weird seeing him in such casual clothes. He hadn't realised he was so fit as he watched his biceps through the navy vest he was wearing.

'you're very brown' he commented. Blushing as he was caught staring at his biceps.

'Yeah, I was in Miami for a while'

'Ooh lucky you. Did you enjoy it. Me and Adam are away for a holiday in Spain soon.'

'Yeah it was great, you should get yourself there sometime. I've been hearing all about your up coming holiday. I bet it was a shock for you.'

'Umm, just a little. I still can't quite believe it to be honest.'

They made general chit chat for a while. Adam and Mia had moved away from them some time ago.

'By the way, I just wanted to thank you for being there for me last time. Most people would have run a mile' Aaron smiled gratefully.

'No problem at all mate. I don't like seeing you upset.'

'Cheers, you're a good friend.'

Daniel looked pleased with that. 'Why don't we go out for drinks before you go on holiday?'

'Yeah, I'd like that'.

Aaron smiled as he listened to the music. They had arranged to meet up in Bar West. He had no intentions of getting drunk tonight. He intended to be bright eyed for his week of relaxation from Jackson. He spotted Adam sat in one of the booths wrapped around Mia. 'Sorry I'm late guys' he said as he approached them. 'You're not forgiven,' Daniel said quietly to him and gave him a welcoming hug and kiss on the cheek. Adam looked up at him and him and Mia waved then turned their attention back on themselves..

'I don't know why they bother to invite anyone else out. All they do is spend all of there time wrapped around each other. I'm craving some adult conversation over here' laughing as he said this.

'It's a good job I'm here then, to rescue you. Shall we go get some drinks in?'

They made their way to the bar and ordered a round of drinks in. Aaron was enjoying himself, he got to know Daniel a little more, they played a couple of games of pool and Daniel beat him every time. They talked about his upcoming holiday and Aaron had explained that Lanzerote was where he and Jackson had had their first holiday together and he was looking forward to returning. Daniel could see the sadness in his eyes though, he could see that he would much rather be returning with Jackson in tow and he just hoped that this holiday would be a good one for him.

They arrived at the airport and Aaron couldn't remember the last time he felt so relaxed. He just knew that this would be a good holiday, yeah it would be hard because his beloved Jackson wasn't with him but that didn't matter. He might not be there in person but he would always be with him in his heart and he was slowly learning to accept this. He rooted around in his bag for the letter for August as Adam and Mia said there goodbyes to each other. He would be able to open it in a few days and he couldn't wait to see what Jackson had planned for him next.

They finally reached the place where they were staying. They were booked into a studio apartment. It contained one bedroom with twin beds, a nice size living area with the kitchen attached to it, a bathroom and a balcony. Aaron stepped out on the balcony and looked out to the sea. He closed his eyes and listened to the sea lapping up against the sand. It was dark and he couldn't see much but it was nice and peaceful. The following morning the lads decided to make their way to the beach. The found a nice little spot just under an umbrella. Heaven Adam said and Aaron agreed looking round to see if he could see if Jackson had joined them in the same heaven but nope he couldn't see him anywhere. They spent the rest of the day at the beach occasionally having a dip in the sea. They ate lunch at the bar on the beach and Aaron felt relaxed, no stress. For the first time in a long time he felt free.

It was nearing 10 o'clock. They had just finished their evening meal in one of the restaurants and were walking along the busy streets not far from the apartment eyeing up the bars and deciding which one to go in. Adam stopped and assessed the bars 'Aright handsome' a very attract female stopped and flashed a grin at Adam. 'You coming in here with me?' she said.' Adam just stood there staring at her. 'Err..no thank you' he said. ' I have a girlfriend' and with that he grabbed hold of Aaron and pulled him towards the apartment. 'So what's happened to my friend. I thought you'd be in there lapping up all the attention.'

'Yeah well, usually I would but I love Mia and being single isn't all it's cracked up to be.'

Aaron lowered his head and thought, yeah tell me about it...

'You alright mate? You been a bit quiet on the walk back'

'Yeah, just thinking about Jackson'

'You don't talk about him enough, Aaron'

'I know'

'How come?'

'I..I don't know how to talk about him. I feel like if I'm happy whilst talking about him then people judge me and expect me to be a crying wreck all the time and when...when I'm upset talking about him it makes people feel uncomfortable. I just don't know how to remember him in conversation. I can't tease about him in conversation like I used to, it just feels wrong. But just 'cos I don't know how to remember him in conversation doesn't mean I've forgotten how to remember him up here and in here'. He said pointing to his head and heart.

Aaron woke the next morning. The first thing he remembered was that he was laid in bed, it was only just under an hour before midnight, just under an hour before he got to open the next letter from Jackson. But it would seem like he didn't make it to that hour, he had fallen asleep. Adam was still fast on so he slipped out on to the balcony as quietly as he could. He pulled Jacksons letter out of his pocket and just looked at it...he closed his eyes for a few seconds taking in all the sounds around him. He ripped the seal of the envelope and read Jacksons sixth message.

_Hi, Aaron,_

_I hope you're having a wonderful holiday._

_You look as handsome as ever by the way!_

_I hope I picked the right place for you._

_It's where you and me went for a first holiday, remember? _

_Apparently if you stand at the very end of the beach and look around, _

_you'll see a lighthouse. That's where the dolphins gather...or so I'm told._

_I know you love dolphins...say hi to them for me..._

_P.S. I Love You, Aaron..._

with shaking hands he place the letter back in the envelope. He wanted to keep it safe so he could return it home and keep it in a safe place just like the previous ones. He made his way to the edge of the beach and just like Jackson had said.. there it was ...the lighthouse. He climbed his way over the rocks towards it and he could hear them... he could hear the playful sounds of the dolphins. He just sat there for hours watching them play...thinking about Jackson. He felt Jackson sit beside him. He felt him put his arm around him..

Hope you all enjoy. Please read and review and let me know you thoughts.


	12. Chapter 12

**DON'T OWN ANY OF THE CHARACTERS IN THE FICTION...**

Aaron felt happy enough, felt relaxed enough to head back home. For the first time in a long time he felt ready to face the world on his own...without Jackson. But this didn't stop him from groaning when they landed in England and he saw the heavy rain. A far cry from the beautiful sun, sea and sands he had just left behind. He said his goodbyes to Adam and made his way into the quiet and empty house of Dale Head.

The days following their return from Lanzerote Adam and Aaron had barely seen one another. Probably a healthy option after spending a whole week in each others pockets.

Now he was back, he wasn't necessarily bored with life but he wasn't exactly jumping around with joy either. Now the holiday was over he felt he had no real reason to get out of bed apart from the days he was working. On his days off he would just lie there watching television and waiting...waiting for next months envelope. He wondered what journey Jackson had planned for him next. He knew his friends wouldn't be est pleased with him especially as he had been so positive on holiday, but when Jackson was alive he loved for him and now he was gone he lived for his messages. The phone rang.

'Hello'

'hey mate, how are you?' Adam asked happily.

'oh full of the joys of life here mate!'

'Me too...me too'

'What s got you so happy?'

'Oh nothing much. Just life in general. Anyway I'm calling to invite you out tomorrow night. I know it's short notice but what ever you have planned cancel!'

'Ok..hold on a sec and I will just consult with my diary' Aaron said full of sarcasm in his voice. 'Oh look whaddya know? I appear to be free tomorrow night!.'

'Good, we're all meeting in La Tasca at seven.'

'Who's we?'

'Oh just a few of the family. See you tomorrow.'

Aaron felt angry as he hung up the phone. Had Adam completely forgotten that he was a grieving boyfriend and that life just wasn't a barrel of laughs for him any more?

Aaron arrived at the restaurant a little late. As he walked to the table he stopped in his tracks and his heart sank. Couples.. He wasn't sure he could go through with this. He quickly ran for the nearest exit in the hope that he wouldn't be seen. Once outside in the cool air he started trying to formulate a excuse to tell Adam.

'Hey Aaron'.

He slowly turned round, realising he had been spotted. It was Daniel. He was leaning against a wall smoking a cigarette.

'Hey Daniel. I didn't realise you smoked.'

'I don't normally but I'm trying to decide whether to join the happy couples in there, and this is helping' he said pointing to his cigarette.

'Yeah tell me about it. As soon as I saw them I made a run for it!'

Daniel just laughed. 'I won't tell them I saw you if that helps.'

'You going in then?'

'Yeah. I gotta face the music at some point, may as well get it over and done with now!'

Daniel laughed at the expression on Aaron's face as he realised that he too would have to face them at some point. 'You don't have to come in. I promise your secrets safe with me. Although it would be nice to have the company of another loner though.'

Aaron smiled at him. It was comforting to know that he wasn't the only one feeling alone.

'Just to warn you though Daniel, I plan on leaving as early as possible!'

'Good, I'll drive you.'

'You don't have to do that!'

'No I don't. But it gives me a good excuse to leave as well doesn't it. What time are we planing on our getaway?'

'I wanna be outta there and at home before half eleven.' he had planned on being at home and opening his next instalment of envelope by twelve.

'Sounds like a plan. We will just tell them you will turn into a pumpkin if your not home by then'

and they both laughed as they made their way in to the restaurant. After making their apologies for being late and saying there hello's to everyone they took a seat at the table. They were just finishing off there main courses when Adam piped up

'Ok everyone, I know you all would like to know why I invited you all out tonight.'

'Understatement of the year' Daniel muttered under his breathe and Aaron sat there laughing at him.

'Well me and Mia have an announcement to make. We are getting married.'

Aaron had certainly not seen that one coming. It was a shock to say the least. Tears filled his eye's as he went over to congratulate the couple. This was all too much for him. Everyone clinked their glasses together and Aaron just sat there in silence eating his pudding. how about we make the escape a little earlier than planned aye' Daniel whispered in Aaron's ear. Aaron just nodded in agreement.

They both just sat in the car in silence trying to digest the nights events. Aaron really wanted to be happy for his friends and deep down he was but he just couldn't shake off the feeling of being left behind. It would seem like everyone else's life was moving along just nicely, apart from his. He was stuck in limbo and there seemed to be no way of getting out. They pulled up outside of Dale Head and out of politeness he asked Daniel if he wanted to come in for coffee. But really he just wanted to be left alone.

It was nearing five past twelve and Daniel seemed to be in no hurry to leave. They sat making small talk for a while and Aaron was relieved to say the least when Daniel grabbed his coat and headed for the door. After saying their goodbyes he headed straight for the kitchen. He picked up the envelope off of the kitchen table where he had left it earlier that evening. Right Jackson Walsh...what have you got in-store for me this month?...

**Thank you to everyone that is following this fic and is still interested in this...**


	13. Chapter 13

It was nearing one pm and still no phone call. Normally Adam would have rang by now eager to hear what Jackson had planned next, but it would seem like his engagement to Mia took precedence tonight. He felt guilty for feeling like this, for feeling jealous of his friends happiness but he was angry at them for moving on with their lives without him. He just seemed to always feel alone, be that in his own company or his friends company. He just felt alone.

The last time he truly felt happy was when he was in the arms of his one true love..Jackson. He couldn't remember the last time he laughed...truly laughed. He hated the butterflies he got in his tummy every time he thought of Jackson. He hated feeling like he had no reason to wake up in a morning. He missed the feeling of being loved, of sensing Jackson watching him as he entered a room. He hated counting down the days till he could open another letter. These messages were all he had left of him and he couldn't even begin to imagine what his life would be like when they stopped. As much as the memories were precious to him, you couldn't feel them, hold them, smell them and this was what he hated the most. Not being able to hold Jackson at night, not being able to smell him and he missed his hugs and his words of love.

So damn Adam and Mia, they could move on without him because all he had for the next couple of months was his Jackson.

As his eyes filled up with tears he opened the letter.

_Shoot for the moon and if you miss you'll_

_still be among the stars. Promise me you_

_will find a present for my mum._

_Something she will love and treasure._

_P.S. I Love You..._

After reading and rereading the letter and he was satisfied that he had analysed every word he grabbed a note pad and pen and started making a list of possible gifts. He finally succumbed to sleep at around 3am dreaming of his beloved Jackson.

The following morning he woke with a fresh spring in his step and happy that he had something to do to occupy his mind and keep him busy. He made his way into town to browse around the shops. He would find something special for Hazel. After being in town for nearly four hours he was just about to give up and head back home when he spotted the perfect gift in a shop window. He took a closer look at it, it was exactly like the one Jackson had, exactly like the one Hazel had bought him for his eighteenth birthday. She would love it. Ever since Jackson had died she had mentioned that she wanted one to remind her of her son, something she could keep close to the heart. Especially as Jackson never took his off.

Tears rolled down his face, he couldn't afford it. There was no way he could afford it, even if he saved up it would take him months and months he didn't have. He felt like he was letting Jackson down and as he scrolled through the contacts in his phone book to see who he could ask for help, he realised he hadn't spoken to most of these people since Jackson's funeral. He had absolutely nobody to call. With the tears in full stream now he dialled the first number that came into his head.

_'Hi, this is Jackson, please leave a message after the... and I'll get back to you as soon as possible'_

'Jackson' Aaron said crying, 'I need you...'

Paddy pulled up over the road from the shop. Aaron's eyes filled with tears again as Paddy rushed over to him.

'Oh Aaron...what happened?' he said as he pulled him into hug. Aaron explained what was wrong and Paddy told him to go wait in the car. He did as he was told and walked over to the car.

Paddy made his way back to the car and glanced over at Aaron who just looked so lost. 'Why don't we go home ay'

Aaron smiled and a tear trickled down his cheek. Home. He liked the sound of that.

He snuggled up on the couch at Smithy whilst Paddy busied himself in the kitchen making tea. Aaron took a sip of his tea. The wonders of the magical tea. The answer to all life's little problems. You have a chat and you make a cup of tea..your mam picks her no brainer of a boyfriend over you and you have a cup of tea..your boyfriend tells you he wants to die and you make a cup of tea...

'How's Adam?' Paddy asked. He had always liked him, he was a good kid.

'He got engaged.'

'Oh...Erm, how do you feel about that?' he asked softly.

Aaron stared down at his hands, he tried to compose himself but it didn't work. Paddy noticed his trembling lips.

'Oh Aaron' he said pulling him into a hug. 'It's perfectly normal to feel like this'

Aaron couldn't even manage to get any words out. Paddy just sat there and held him. He cried with him, he cried for his pseudo step son.

They stayed up late that night and Aaron opened up to Paddy about everything that had been building up inside him for the past few months. And although Paddy was there for him and offered him reassurance, he still felt trapped. He stayed in his old room that night and even though he still felt trapped he also felt like he belonged somewhere again but that didn't last long though 'cos the morning soon came.

He was just about to head out the door and back to Dale Head when Paddy stopped him and handed him some money and the gift for Hazel.

'I can't accept this Paddy' Aaron said, overcome with emotion.

'Take it' he said, gently pushing his hand away 'let me help you'

'I'll pay back every cent' he said hugging him tightly.

'You don't have to'

'I know' and just as he was about to leave he turned back and said

'Paddy, thanks for this...I...love you... dad'

A tear came to Paddy's eyes. He had never been more proud of Aaron as he was at that moment.

'I love you too son'


	14. Chapter 14

**I don't own any of the characters in this fic. ITV do and who ever else wants to claim them.**

He was walking towards Dale Head and he stopped in his tracks. Mia was standing outside. He wondered why she was stood outside and not waiting inside for him. Hazel must be out he thought. He took a deep breath and carried on down the hill towards her.

'Hi'

'Hi Aaron' Mia said a little grimly.

Aaron walked into Dale Head and left the door open for her to follow. He knew why she was here and he felt guilty enough as it was. 'Coffee?' he asked as he walked into the kitchen and flicked the switch on the kettle.

'Adam doesn't know I'm here. I'd appreciate it if you didn't say anything'

'Oh...OK. He couldn't help but feel a little disappointed at that. Adam hadn't sent her, maybe he had given up on him all together.

'He misses you!' Mia stated.

Aaron sat at the table and handed her a mug. 'I miss him too.'

'It's been two weeks Aaron'

'It has not been two weeks' Aaron protested feeling a little uncomfortable under her stony stare.

'Does it really matter how long its been Aaron? My point is is that you two used to speak to each other almost everyday, if not everyday.'

'Things used to also be very different, Mia' Aaron said rather angrily. It would seem that people really didn't understand what he was going through.

'We know what you have been through Aaron...'

'I know you all _know _what I've been through Mia...That's blatantly obvious...but you don't seem to understand that I'm still going through it!'

'That's not true at all...'

'Yes it is Mia...I..I can't just move on with my life and pretend like nothing has happened'

'Do you think that's what were doing?'

'I think that's exactly what you are doing...but that's just life and I know that you can't stop living your life just because Jackson isn't around any more and I don't expect you too either. But just because I don't expect you to doesn't mean I can. It's just not as easy for me Mia. He was my life and I don't think I'm ever going to get through this

'Yeah it seems like you have forgotten how to live... you're not living at all you're just existing Aaron and that is not healthy for you. I'm not saying that it is easy for you because I know it's not. I miss Jackson too and I hardly knew him so how do you think Adam is feeling. He has lost one of his best friends and it would seem like he is set to lose another. Adam knows your hurting Aaron and he understands. Yes its difficult and yes it is the worst thing that has ever happened but you just can't give up. Adam can't just stop going to the pub because there are two other blokes sitting on the stools laughing and joking like his two best friend should be or stop going to the football because that's what they used to do together. It makes him sad when he goes without him, he says it doesn't feel right but he won't stop because he knows that that's not what Jackson would want. All he can do is move on Aaron and believe me it's hard for him too, there has been plenty of nights when I have sat up and held him in my arms because he misses him so much Aaron. He might not have loved him like you did and in the way you did but he did love him. Jackson Walsh made a big impact on his life he was one of the best people he ever knew.'

Tears welled up in Aaron's eyes as Mia continued 'This is an important time in his life too Aaron and he needs his best friend by his side. He needs your help just like you need his.'

'I'm trying Mia.' Aaron sobbed, as tears rolled down his cheeks. 'I meant to call, I picked the phone up everyday but I just couldn't do it. Then I would tell myself that I'd call tomorrow...I'm sorry Mia. I am really happy for you both'

'I don't think it's me that you have to apologise to Aaron'

'I know but I've been so awful! He won't forgive me now!'

'Don't be stupid Aaron, this is Adam we are talking about. Of course he will forgive you.

Aaron was a little nervous as he walked up to butler's. What would he say to Adam. Would Adam forgive him, or would he just tell him to do one. He wouldn't blame him if he did. It's not like he didn't deserve it, he'd not been the most supportive friend just lately. Adam was getting married and he should have been there to celebrate with him instead of running off like he did. He took a deep breath and knocked on the door. Once upon a time he wouldn't have had to knock but with the way things were he didn't feel comfortable just walking in.

Adam had a look of shock on his face when he saw Aaron. Aaron couldn't help but feel like he had made a huge mistake in coming here.

Adam froze for a split second. He was shocked that Aaron was stood on his door step. He didn't stay frozen for long though as a big grin spread across his face. 'Aaron' Adam said ' come here you' he said as he pulled him into a hug. 'I'm sorry Adam. I..I never meant to...I'm a horrible friend...'

'Oh shut up Aaron.. it doesn't matter, you are here now and believe it or not I do understand.'

Aaron just smiled. How did he get so lucky to have such a great friend.

**Hey guys sorry for the belated update I've just been mad busy with work and college. I hope the wait was worth it even though it is only a short chapter. I appreciate all the review I have had on this fic and thank you all for the patience.**


	15. Chapter 15

Aaron woke up with an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach. Today was Hazels birthday. He wasn't sure if he had done the right thing now in buying her the present that he had but Jackson had asked him to buy something special. He wrapped the present and wrote a little note on it, he decided to leave it on the kitchen table for her. He couldn't face her if it turned out that she hated it so he went out instead with every intention of staying at Smithy that night.

Hazel laid there, she didn't feel like celebrating, she didn't want to mark another year in her life when she would never do that again for her son. But she knew that Jackson would want her to carry on as normal, he wouldn't want her to mope around the house, he wouldn't want her to think of today as any different to any other birthday. So she got up and made her way down stairs, she was hoping Aaron would be here, she wanted to celebrate with at least one of her sons. That's how she saw Aaron, she saw him as one of her own. She knew that he wouldn't though, after all giving presents and celebrating were probably the last thing on his mind right now and she wasn't even sure if he knew that it was her birthday.

She made her way into the kitchen and stopped..stopped when she saw the present wrapped on the table. She couldn't help the little smile that spread across her face. She went over and picked it up. There was a little note with it and a card as well. She read the card first;

_To Hazel,_

_You're more than_

_A mother-in-law to me_

_That word doesn't describe_

_The woman I see_

_You make the in-law _

_Part drop away_

_For you, mother is_

_A better word to say_

_You're a kind and generous person_

_Who can brighten up my day_

_For you, mother, is_

_A better word to say_

_A mother-in-law_

_Any woman can be_

_But you_

_Means much more to me._

_Happy birthday mum._

_All my love_

_Aaron. Xx_

The tears welled up in her eyes as she read the card. She moved on to the not on the present next and the tears started.

_To mum, I know our boy can't be here today _

_but he wanted to get you something special._

_All our love _

_Jackson and Aaron. _

Before she got chance to open the gift she heard the letter box go. She went to collect her post to and she stopped in her tracks when she read the first letter that came in view.

_TO MUM._

She went and sat at the kitchen table and her hands were shaking as she opened it.

_I thought of you and closed my eyes_

_and prayed to god today_

_I asked 'what makes a mother?'_

_and I know I heard him say_

_a mother has a baby_

_this we know is true_

_but, god, can you be a mother_

_when your baby's not with you?_

_Yes, you can he replied_

_some I send for a lifetime_

_and others for the day_

_I wish I could show you _

_what I'm doing today_

_if you could see me smiling_

_you would here me say_

_we go to earth to learn our lessons_

_of love and life_

_you my mum loved me so much_

_I got to come straight here_

_I feel so lucky to have a mum like you_

_I miss you so much_

_but I visit you everyday_

_when you go to sleep_

_on your pillow is where I lay_

_I stroke your hair and kiss your cheek_

_and whisper in your ear_

_mum don't be sad today_

_I'm your baby and I am here_

_so you see I am ok_

_I am home and this is where _

_I'll stay, I'll wait and on the day_

_you come to me I'll be waiting at _

_the gates_

_so now you see_

_what makes a mother_

_is the feeling in your heart_

_it's the love you had so much of_

_right from the very start_

_remember all the love you have_

_and know that you are a special mum._

_Happy birthday mum._

_Love you always and forever_

_Jackson. _

Now the tears were really flowing, she opened her present and held it to her heart. I love you too son.

When the tears had subsides she went and got ready and sought out Aaron. She needed to thank him for the gift. It was perfect, just like the necklace she had bought Jackson. She would treasure it for as long as she lived.

**Hey guys another short one but I thought I'd better add Hazels birthday in before I forgot about it. Not to sure about it though please Let me know your thoughts on it. Good or bad. xx**


	16. Chapter 16

Aaron had decided that since he practically ran out of Adam and Mia's meal he thought he would throw them a surprise engagement party. He didn't just want to do it in the Wool pack, everyone did it there, he wanted something or some place different. So he rang Daniel to see if he could hold it in Bar West. He picked up the phone and dialled.

'Bar West'

'Can I speak to Daniel please?'

'One moment'

'Don't put me on...!'

'Paradise' started playing.

'...Hold.' He finished

'Hello?'

'Dan, it's me' Aaron said quickly

'Oh, hello stranger' He teased.

'Ha Ha, I need your help!'

'Well I know that, but I'm not qualified for that.' he laughed

'No, seriously, I need your help. I want to put on a party for Adam and Mia. I feel bad about running out on them like I did at the dinner.'

'Oh really, ok then. How would you like me to help?'

'Well I was kinda hoping you might let me have Bar West, or part of it any way for a night next week.'

'Yes, just one minuet sir!' Daniel yelled away from the phone. 'Look, Aaron, I really have to get back to work. Are you free this evening?'

'Err, Yeah..Yeah I can be. What time?'

'Why don't you pop round here about six o'clock and I'll take you somewhere for a bite?'

'Yeah sounds good, cheers Dan, you're a star.'

He hung up the phone and breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe this would just work out and he wouldn't feel as guilty about the dinner with them the other week. He froze mid thought and went back over the conversation in his head with Daniel, had he just agreed to go on a date with him?

He couldn't concentrate, he was willing the time to go more slowly and for once it was doing the exact opposite. Why didn't it go this fast when he was waiting to open his messages from Jackson?. He was dreading his dinner with Daniel.

He arrived at Bar West at dead on six o'clock. He was hoping that Daniel would be busy and would have to cancel dinner. He couldn't understand why he was worrying, he and Daniel had been out together a million times. They were the _two single friends_ and had always been invited out to keep each other company when their friends had arranged something. Maybe that was the problem, every other time they had been out together it had been amongst friends. They hadn't been out just the two of them.

No that couldn't be it he thought, because even though they were in other peoples company it might well have just been the two of them as they spent most of the nights talking to just each other. There had been something in Daniels voice that worried him, and they way his stomach flipped earlier when they spoke made him feel uneasy about meeting up with him. He felt guilty and ashamed for going out with Daniel and he did nothing but try and convince himself that it was just a business dinner.

Aaron's stomach lurched as he spotted Daniel walking towards him. He was wearing his black leather jacket, teamed up with blue jeans. His hair was messy and stubble lined his chin. He had that just out of bed look.

'So, where would you like to go?' Daniel asked as he approached Aaron.

'Erm..how about in there?' Aaron said pointing to a burger joint.

'Erm, I was thinking of somewhere with a little more variety' Daniel said. Scrunching his nose up. 'I'm starving, not had a thing to eat all day'

They walked along the street until they came to a little Italian restaurant. Daniel stopped outside and suggested that they go in there and Aaron couldn't say no. Inside was cosy and intimate, the place seemed to be filled with couples. Daniel stood and took his jacket off and whilst he wasn't looking Aaron blew out the candle on there table. He was wearing a deep blue shirt that fit his masculine body well. 'They make you sick don't they?' Daniel said laughing as he looked around the room.

'Actually, no, they just make me sad' Dan hadn't heard him as he was busy scanning them menu.

They both decided to go for the _Penne Al Mascarpone._

Aaron tried to keep the conversation about the party, he didn't fancy talking about private feelings and thoughts. He wasn't exactly sure what his feelings and thought were at the minuet. Daniel had brought along a price list of drinks and food ect. He offered to waver the room hire seen as he was just as guilty for bailing that night as well. He was feeling a little less panicked about this party and it going right but however he was he was a little more panicked at the fact he had felt so guilty about having dinner with a man that he was certain just wanted to be his friend.

He stepped outside the restaurant for a bit of fresh air after the meal had finished, Daniel had refused to let him pay anything towards it. He was a generous man, he couldn't deny that but it just didn't feel right having dinner in an intimate restaurant with someone other than Jackson.

He got home and threw himself on the bed, he was angry with himself, angry because even though it had felt wrong going out to dinner with someone else other than Jackson he had really enjoyed Daniels company. And he shouldn't be enjoying himself because it didn't feel right, but it had felt so right at the time...

He held his hand up to his head and massaged his temples. He had a headache and he was over analysing things again. He picked up his mobile and waited while he called Paddy, he would understand.

'Hello?'

'Hi, Rhona, its Aaron. Can I speak to Paddy?'

'Sorry, Aaron, he's on call. Is it important?' she asked worried

'No,' he said quietly, 'It's not important at all.'

'O ok then, I will get him to give you a call tomorrow'

Aaron hung up and immediately dialled Adam's number.

'Hello?' Adam giggled

'Hiya,' Aaron said.

'Are you ok?' Adam giggled again. 'Mia stop!'

Aaron realised he had called at a bad time

'Yeah I'm fine. I just called for a chat but I can hear you're busy there.'

'Ok then, I'll call tomorrow, Aaron,' Adam replied.

'Ok, b...' Aaron didn't even get to finish his sentence as Adam hung up.

Tears filled his eyes. Once again he had nobody.

He glanced up at the clock and noticed it was almost twelve. He reached for Octobers envelope from Jackson. He dreaded the days where there would be no more letters. There were only two more after this. He ran his fingers over the writing before he opened it.

Aaron slid the card out of the envelope and a dried flower which had been pressed between two cards fell onto his lap along with a pouch which he shook curiously. Jacksons message read.

_A sunflower for my sunflower, to brighten the dark October days you hate so much. Plant some more, safe in the knowledge that a warm bright summer awaits._

_P.S. I Love You..._

_P.P.S Could you please pass this card on_ to Adam_?_

Aaron lifted the second card up that had fallen onto his lap and read the words through his tears.

_To Adam,_

_Happy 23rd birthday,_

_you're getting old, my friend, but I hope you have many, many, many birthdays. _

_Take care, enjoy life, take care of my man and Mia. _

_You're the man now! Lots of love, _

_your friend,_

_Jackson_

_Told you I'd keep my promise..._

Aaron read and reread every single word Jackson had written. He sat for what seemed like hours and thought about how happy Adam would be to hear from his friend. He thought about how his life had changed over the past few months. Jackson had pushed him to be brave. He encouraged him and even though he wouldn't have had to search for the little things that made him happy if Jackson was with him. Life without Jackson was emptier but left more room for himself. He'd exchange It all to have Jackson back, though.

That wasn't an option though. He needed to start thinking about about himself and his own future because there was no one else to share the responsibilities with any more.


	17. Chapter 17

DON'T OWN ANY OF THE CHARACTERS IN THIS FIC.

'This is the last one, I promise Aaron'. Adam called as ties and jackets were flung over the changing room door.

'I'm sure you said that an hour ago!' Aaron said as he saw John and Declan walk back over to them.

'He not finished yet, I thought it was the women that were supposed to take this long in deciding what they were going to wear!.'

'Pipe down dad, I'm nearly done. And I think I have found the perfect one, I have a really good feeling about this one.'

'You said that an hour ago too' Declan moaned as he watched Aaron kick back in one of the chairs and close his eyes.

'Hey, don't you go falling asleep on us Aaron' John warned.

They had been dragged to every tailors in the town. What ever excitement and enthusiasm they felt towards this wedding had been drained from their system.

They had decided to take a much needed break as the last suit Adam had tried on made him look like Austin Powers. And they were slowly losing the will to live. They had chose a nice little café on the high street and grabbed a seat by the window. Aaron thought about how much he hated shopping as he watched people rushing around and bumping into each other. The shopping that he usually had to do was normally left up to Jackson to sort out.

'Come on then, tell me about the other night. If you'd have said what it was about I would have dropped whatever I was doing!'

'Don't be silly. It wasn't a really big deal. It just felt like that at the time.'

'You do know that you don't have to feel guilty. Jackson wouldn't want that, he wouldn't want you to feel guilty over seeing someone. He would want you to be happy!'

Adam, I'm not seeing him. We are just friends. I have no intention of seeing anyone for at least twenty years or maybe even thirty.' he said trying to get the record straight. 'We were just having a business dinner.'

'Ooooh, a _business _dinner!'

'Yes Adam a business dinner. But it was nice to have a bit of company.' Aaron admitted. 'And I'm not having a go at you before you start. It's just nice that when everyone else is busy I have someone else to talk to. And he's easy to get along with and he makes me feel comfortable. That's all.'

'I understand Aaron. It's good to meet new people once in a while and I'm glad you get along with him, because you're going to have to dance with him at the wedding!'

'Why?'

'Because it's tradition. Well at least it's tradition for the best man and the maid of honour to dance together but seen as that ain't going to happen Mia thought that she would make her own tradition up. So the best man has to dance with the only other hot single gay guy there.

'You want me to be your best man?' Aaron said shocked.

Adam nodded with excitement. 'Don't worry, I already spoke to my dad about it and he is fine with it'

'I'd love to!' Aaron said happily. 'but are you sure you don't mind John?'

'Oh, don't worry about me. I get the privileged of being the grooms dad for the day. Honestly it's fine.'

'Hey' Adam yelled. 'I never noticed that shop there before' he said pointing at a tailors across the road 'Drink up, it's time to go'

Aaron, John and Declan all looked at each other. All three of them wondering if it was too late to make a run for it.

He entered Bar West and gasped, the place looked so different. Daniel had decorated it well. He looked around the place and It would seem like everyone that they knew were here. He had told Adam about it after they had finished the shopping trip the other day and he was excited.

The bar staff were scattered around the room carrying drinks on trays. Aaron lifted a drink from a tray and tried not to make a face at it's overly sweet taste as one of the guests took a snap of him. His mouth watered as there was a beautiful smell of barbecue in the air, he spotted a waiter carrying trays of food over to a table. He helped himself to a kebab as he tried to look out for Adam.

'Hey'

he quickly swallowed his food as he turned and face Daniel 'Hi, the place looks great', he said looking around.

'Hey, Aaron let me get a shot of you and this tall dark handsome man' Katie said as she was walking past with camera in hand.

Aaron looked mortified and Daniel just laughed. 'You should bring your friends here more often'

'She's not my friend' Aaron said through gritted teeth as he posed for the picture.

'Hold on a second' Daniel said as he picked a napkin up and wiped a little grease away from Aaron's mouth. Aaron's skin tingled at his touch and warmth rushed through his body. He convinced himself it was from blushing so much.

Aaron enjoyed himself that evening, laughing and chatting away to Adam and Mia. He hardly got to speak to Daniel that night as he was too busy being the responsible one and making sure everything went smoothly. He watched as Daniel gave orders to his staff and they immediately got to work. They obviously had a lot of respect for him. Every time he made his way back over to the group he would get stopped in his tracks by someone wanting to have a chat.

Adam banged his pint down, he really wasn't in the mood. He just wanted to go home and sleep of the hangover he already had but he had been dragged here by his dad.

'Excuse me, are you Adam Barton?'

he looked up and frowned as he saw a police officer before him.

'Yes, I am.'

'I'm officer Johnston would you accompany me to the station, please?'

Adam was shocked, as far as he knew he had done nothing wrong, he gulped 'What for?'

'If you just come with me sir then everything will be explained to you down at the station'

'No, I won't come with you until you have told me what it's about.'

'Mr Barton, if you don't come with me then I will be forced to use these' she said as she pulled a pair of handcuffs from her trouser pockets.

'But, I didn't do anything!' he protested.

'Very well Mr Barton' the officer said as she snapped the handcuffs around his wrists.

As they stepped outside he looked around quickly to see if there was an escape route, but he was already being led towards a mini bus. He sat in the front and started to panic. He kept asking the question as to why he was being escorted to the police station but the male police officer that was driving just pushed a CD in and turned it up.

The female police officer turned around in her seat and with a big grin on her face said 'Mr Barton, you have been a very naughty boy.' she stood up and made her way in front of him and he gulped as she started to gyrate her hips to the song.

He finally figured out what was going on when h heard a few sniggers coming from the back of the bus.

'Oooh, you twats!, I almost had a heart attack when I thought I was going to go to prison.'

'Adam, this is Nat' Declan giggled. 'and she is your stripper for the day. Now stop worrying and start enjoying your weekend'

'Weekend? What the hell are you going to do to me next?'

'We are going to Blackpool, and that's all you need to know son!' John said.

'Are you ok Aaron?' Paddy asked handing him a can. 'You have barely said two words since we got in the van.'

Aaron stared out of the window at the green fields as they flew by. The hills were dotted with white specks. Neat stone walls separated each field and you could see the grey lines , jagged like jigsaw puzzles for miles, connecting each piece of land together.

'Yeah,' he signed, I'm ok.'

Adam watched as Aaron lay back on the bed and closed his eyes. It was really starting to irritate Adam. It was clear to see that Aaron wasn't enjoying himself, as he had been quiet most of the day and not really joining in on the conversations. But what really annoyed him was to see that Aaron wasn't even trying, or even pretending to be enjoying himself. He could understand that Aaron was upset and that he had a lot to deal with at the moment but it was his stag party and he couldn't help feeling that Aaron was bringing the atmosphere down.

It was five o'clock in the morning, which meant that he had been drinking for almost ten hours. His stomach became queasy as the room spun around and around. He sat up on the bed and tried to keep his eyes open to avoid the feeling of seasickness. He turned to face Adam on the bed so that they could talk but the sound of snores ended all thought of communication between them. Aaron rushed to the bathroom and hung over the toilet, he wished that he hadn't drank so much now and he wanted nothing more than to be in his own bed sleeping. But he needed all the larger he could handle. With all the talks about weddings and wife's, he needed the alcohol to prevent him from screaming at them to shut up. He was dreading the next couple of days.

Yes he had finally managed to drag himself out of bed every morning and yes he had managed to start feeding himself. But No he didn't feel ecstatic about this. They were just formalities, something else to check off on the things normal people do list. None of these filled the hole in his heart. It was like his body had become on giant jigsaw, just like the green fields with their pretty grey stone walls. He had started working on the corners and edges of his jigsaw because they were the easy bits but now that they were in place he needed to fill all the bits in the middle. The hard parts. But absolutely nothing he had done up to now had managed to fill that hole in his heart, that piece if the jigsaw had yet to be found. Tired of staring at the four walls in the room, he threw on some clothes and made his way back downstairs to the hotel bar.

'don't tell me you're back for more?' the bar man asked as he spotted Aaron walk towards the bar.

'No I just came for a glass of water'

'Here you go' he said as he plonked a glass in-front of Aaron.

'Are you ok?' the barman asked.

Aaron nodded and walked back to his hotel room. 'Am I ok,' he thought. 'Maybe next time some one asks me that, like laurel I will tell her that no I am not fine. I'm feeling a bit depressed and lonely. Pissed of at the world. Envious of you and your perfect little family. And then I'll tell her how I'm trying to pick myself up. Then I'll tell her that it pisses me of when people tell me time is a healer when at the same time they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, which really confuses me, because that means that the longer he's gone the more I want him. I'll tell her that nothing is healing at all and every morning I wake up in an empty bed it feels like salt is being rubbed into those unhealed wounds. And then I'll tell her how much I miss Jackson and how my life seems worthless without him and I feel like I'm just waiting for my world to end so that I can join him. I wonder what she will sat to that...?'


	18. Chapter 18

'Hey Adam, I got your message to give you a call. What's up?'

'Oh, no, nothings up!. I was just ringing to see if Cinderella was still coming to the ball? Mia is just sorting the seating out.'

'Erm, sorry mate. I don't think I'm guna be able to this year.'

'Orr come on Aaron. You should come, its on the thirtieth of November.'

'Na sorry Adam but I think Cinderella is washing her hair that night.'

'Surprise, surprise!'

'Excuse me' Aaron said trying not to let that comment get to him.

'Oh nothing Aaron.' Adam said rather shortly

'No come on Adam, spit it out if you have something to say.'

'Nothing Aaron.' he replied again shortly.

'O stop being so childish Adam!'

'Ok then if you think I'm being childish. All you ever do is work. You never come out any more, every time I ask you're too busy. At my stag weekend you looked like you were having the worst time ever. I don't even know why you bothered coming at all. If there/you have a problem with me then I wish you would just say it to my face and stop being such a bore!'

Aaron couldn't quite believe that Adam had just said that to him. He had never heard something so ridiculous and selfish before.

'I can't relieve you just said that. That is the most selfish thing I have ever heard!' Aaron says trying to keep his temper in check.

'I'm selfish?. I'm not the one that came to his best friends stag do and hid in the hotel room for the weekend! You are supposed to be my best man!'

'I was with Paddy.' He said, trying to defend himself.

'Oh bullshit Aaron. He was a little sick, not bloody dying. You didn't need to be by his side 24/7.'

Adam went quiet, realising what he had just said.

That was it Aaron's blood boiled and as he spoke his voice trembled with rage.

'Did you ever stop and think for one moment how hard this might be for me? All you keep talking about is your wedding and how happy and excited you are to spend the rest of your life with the woman that you love. Just in case you didn't notice Adam the love of my life died not so long ago. I didn't get the chance. I'm not asking for special treatment Adam but I am asking for just a little patience. This is not something I am just going to get over in just a few short months. I may never get past this but I am trying, maybe you should put yourself in my shoes then you might just know how it feels. And you may or may not believe me when I say this but I am genuinely happy for you, and as far as the ball goes I have no intention of going. The invitation was for me and JACKSON. It was what we did together and funnily enough Adam I may just find it a little too difficult. Especially seen as it wasn't something I did until Jackson came into my life. So no, I am more than happy to stay at home this year.' He yelled and then slammed the phone down. He burst into tears, he felt so lost again. His best friend/their best friend didn't even understand. Maybe he should be over Jackson already. Maybe he wasn't normal for still feeling this way. Maybe he should have bought the rule book and looked it up about the recommended time for grieving so he didn't have to inconvenience his friends.

'Did I just hear that right?'

'Please Hazel don't have a go'

'I'm not son, I'm not.' she said handing him a cup of tea. 'Having a bad day sweetheart?' she asked gently.

Aaron just nodded his head, the tears rolling down his face.

'You don't have to put on a brave face all the time, especially not for me anyway.' Hazel said whilst reaching for the tissues. 'You do however need to start learning how to love more Aaron and when I say love more I mean learn to love yourself. Learn to love your new life. Did I hear that you don't want to go to the ball?' Aaron cringed, she had obviously heard the whole conversation.

'I know that it was what Jackson liked to do Aaron, and I'm sure there will be a million places that you don't want to go to because it was what you and Jackson did together or it reminds you of him. Believe me I understand, but you have to start to confront these things darling and think of these things positively. And when you do go to these places, think of all the times you laughed, or cried, or even argued. And when you remember all those beautiful times you will feel closer to him. You need to start celebrating the love you shared instead of hiding it. Some people Aaron go through life never finding a love like yours and Jackson's. They never find their soul mate but you did, you just happened to have him for a shorter period of time than you had hoped for. I know it's sad but that's just life! Now you go to this ball and you embrace the fact that you had someone whom you loved and who loved you back. I'm not telling you that you have to get over our boy but you do need to start a new chapter in your life so this one can be closed. If you don't then you may never find your way back to him and just remember he is always around.' she said pointing at both their hearts. ' but you know he would want you to be happy Aaron, he loved you more than enough for that.'

Tears trickled down his face. He knew that Hazel was right. He needed to remember Jackson and the special bond and love that they had shared. And the love he still continued to feel for him. He remembered the line that Jackson had written to him.

_Remember our wonderful memories, but don't be afraid to make some more._

He needed to put the ghost of Jackson that haunted him to rest now but keep his memory alive.

There was still a life for him after Jacksons death...

**ANOTHER CHAPTER FOR YOU GUYS. I AM REALLY GLAD THAT YOU AR ENJOYING IT. XX**


	19. Chapter 19

DON'T OWN ANY OF THE CHARACTERS IN THIS FIC.

THANKS FOR ALL THE KIND REVIEWS GUYS. I'M GLAD YOU ARE ALL ENJOYING IT.

* * *

><p>'I'm sorry Adam.' Aaron apologised as they sat round the table at dale head.<p>

'It's ok Aaron. It should be me that's apologizing.'

'No it's not ok. I didn't mean to lose it like that. It doesn't give me the right to take it out on you Adam just because I'm feeling extra sensitive.'

'You were right though Aaron.' Aaron tried to disagree but Adam kept going.

'I have been so wrapped up and excited about my life and where it is going I didn't even think to stop and think about you or how you might be feeling.' He looks at Aaron, he looked so pale. He just seemed to be coping so well that it was so easy to forget about all the ghosts he had to be rid of.

'That's just the thing though Adam, you have every right to be excited.'

'Yeah and you're right to be upset. I just didn't think and if you really want to give the ball a miss then you should. Don't go if it will make you feel uncomfortable.'

Aaron felt just a little confused. Hazel had given him that push that he needed to go and now Adam was saying it was ok not to go. He had a headache! He promised to call Adam later on with his decision.

He needed to get out for a bit and clear his head, there was no point in trying to figure all this out with his head so full, so he popped into town for a couple of hours to pick up some stuff that he needed.

He was just walking past Bar West when he decided to pop in and see Daniel. He was feeling much more at ease with him after that dinner, he realised that he was being ridiculous and that there was no reason to feel uncomfortable around him after all they were just friends and nothing more. He realised what had made him feel so uncomfortable and that was before Jackson the only other male he had become close to or had a close friendship with was Adam and the idea of becoming close to another male was a scary thought. He convinced himself that there relationship could purely be friendship, there didn't have to be a romantic link to it at all. Even if the guy was good looking.

'Well?' Daniel said on spotting Aaron. 'Will Cinderella go to the ball?'

he scrunched his nose up at that. 'will you be going?'

'Well, it's definitely going to be Couples R Us!' he said as he pulled out a couple of stools for him and Aaron to sit on

'Well we could just be rude and ignore them all.'

'Now if we did that then there would be no point in us going now would there? You don't expect me to talk to you all night do you? I'm bored with you now.' Daniel said with a smile on his face.

'That's ok then 'cos I'm bored with you and I was planning on ignoring you all night anyway.'

'Phew' Daniel said and pretended to look relieved. 'I'm definitely going now then'

and with that Aaron hoped off of his stool and said see you later mate, Cinderella has a ball to plan for. Daniel just watched him leave with a big smile on his face.

Aaron got back to dale head and marched up the stairs shouting down to Hazel. 'hazel, I need a suit for this ball.'

Hazel smiled to herself and started making a fuss as to what he was going to wear.

Aaron was running late as he rushed around, trying to get ready for the ball.

Aaron, your prince has arrived! Hazel yelled up to him. His heart raced, he needed more time, was he doing the right thing in going. Now he wasn't so sure all he could think of were the negatives. He breathed slowly, trying to prevent a batch of tears appearing. 'be strong Aaron, you can do this.' he heard Jackson whisper to him.

He heard the door creak and saw hazels head pear round the corner. 'you look handsome sweetheart. Jackson would be so proud of you.'

'I just want to stay at home hazel, I have Jacksons last message to open.' he couldn't believe it had come to the last one already, where had the time gone. After tomorrow there would be no more, no more contact from Jackson. He would really be gone in every way ' I know you do sweetheart, but that can wait a few hours can't it?'

he was just about to say no when he heard the beep of a horn. Must be the taxi he thought. Before he followed hazel downstairs he opened his drawer and pulled out the last letter he had received from Jackson from November. He needed the strength from it.

Cinderella must go to the ball this month

and he will look handsome and beautiful

and he will have the time of his life. Just like we did

...but don't wear anything white like last year...

P.S. I Love You...

the day after he and Adam had rowed, Aaron opened the envelope for November. And even though hazel had reassured him that it would be ok to go to the ball he still spent the day torturing himself over his decision. He needn't have worried though because Jackson had made it for him and his words had reinforced the idea that he should go to the ball.

'Wow' Daniel had said, his jaw dropping as he saw Aaron. 'you look hot, Aaron.'

'Thanks' Aaron said, a slow blush creeping across his cheeks.

They left in the taxi and even though Aaron had prayed that they were stopped at every red light to delay the night, there was no such luck and they arrived at the hotel in record time.

There were a few surprised faces to say the least. People had obviously assumed that he wouldn't be attending this year after Jackson..but they were wrong. A few people that he hadn't spoken to since before Jacksons funeral had given their condolences and he had to bit his tongue with them. They obviously weren't friends or they would have been at his funeral. He just simply nodded and said thank you then made his way to the bar. He needed a drink...a large one at that.

He picked his drink up and made his way to the table where his friends were, he was hoping that he would be able to get through this night without any hiccups.

He was half way to his table when he was stopped by an 'hello'

'O, hi jack' he didn't really know him, he had only spoken to him on the odd occasion when he attended the ball with Jackson.

'How are you? You look fab by the way.'

'I'm good thank you. You?'

'I'm great thanks, Jackson not with you?' he said looking around the room to see if he could spot him.

'err..no..no he's not. He passed away early on in the year.'

'oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.' he placed his drink down on the table and pulled Aaron in for a hug. 'I had no idea. How are you keeping.'

'I'm fine thank you', Aaron repeated, smiling to keep the atmosphere light.

'oh, you poor thing.' Jacks voice was hushed and he gave Aaron a look of pitty. 'You must be devastated'

'Yeah, I am and it's hard but I'm dealing with it, trying to be positive, you know?'

'I don't know how you can be. That's awful news.' his eyes continued to bore into Aaron. He seemed to look at him differently now. Aaron nodded and wished that this man would stop telling him what he already knew.

'was he ill.'

'ye...yeah, sort of.' he really didn't know what to say, he wasn't shamed of what he had done but he just didn't want people thinking differently of Jackson.

'he was so young too.'

'yes, yes he was..but we had a happy life together, jack' Aaron said trying to be as cheery as possible but it was slipping.

'yes you did but..it was such a shame it wasn't a longer one. That is absolutely devastating and awful and unfair. You must feel so miserable. How on earth did you manage to come here tonight? With all these couples around?' he looked around the place. It was full of happy couples.

'well jack, you just have to learn to move on and this is what Jackson would have wanted.'

'yes..yes of course you do but it must e difficult. Oh how awful'

Aaron spoke through gritted teeth.' yes it is but like I said you have to learn to move on. Anyway speaking of moving on, I really must get back to my friends.' he added politely and moved away.

'you ok Aaron?' Daniel said.

'yeah I'm fine.'

'you sure, you don't seem it'

'yeah...yeah I'm fine honestly' he said as he looked over to jack. He was huddled in a group talking. They were obviously talking about him as they kept looking his way.

He felt another tap on his shoulder and turned to see who it was.

'Oh, hi Helen.' he said happily.

'how are you?' Helen asked quietly.

'I'm fine' Aaron said for what must have been the hundredth time that night.

'Are you sure..its just that..I haven't seen you since...'

'Since Jackson died' Aaron finished of for her.

'well yes and I've been worried about you'

Aaron frowned. 'Really?, I still live in the same place Helen, I still have the same number. I know that we were only friends through Jackson but if you were that worried about me then I wasn't a hared person to find now was I?'

'yes but I didn't want to intrude...'

'friends don't intrude Helen'; he said politely, he hoped that she had got the message across.

The bell then rang to signal that dinner was just about to be served. Aaron took his seat. Helen wandered over and pulled out the seat next to Aaron.'sorry Helen but I was saving that seat for Adam'

'Oh Adam won't mind she said and sat down anyway.

'Aaron apologised to Adam and Adam rolled his eyes and stuck his finger in his mouth pretending to gag. Aaron just laughed.

'You seem in high spirits Aaron' Helen said.

'is there a reason why I shouldn't be?' Aaron asked.

Helen just shook her head and looked away.

'Are you ok' Daniel asked from beside him.

'yeah I'm fine, thank you.'

'Oh you don't have to give me that aaron. Its bullshit and you know it. This is me you are talking to!' he laughed.

Aaron just groaned. 'people are being very nice an all but I feel like I'm back at his funeral again. Having to pretend to be all strong and stuff even though all they want is for me to be devastated because it's so awful. And there are the people that don't even know and this is not the place to be telling them.'

Daniel listened to him patiently. ' I understand Aaron but eventually you will be able to stop having those awkward conversations. It just takes time.'

'I know it does, and it's not like I'm not happy to talk about Jackson. It's just that if they were real friends then they wouldn't have waited until now to ask how I'm doing. The ones that knew anyway.'

After dinner, Helen stumbled over to Aaron. It would seem she had had more than enough to drink. He had escaped her after the dinner and made his way over to Adam but it would seem that the older woman had found him again. She gave him a big hug and apologised for not keeping in touch. And Aaron had said that it was ok and that Adam and Mia had or have been very supportive and that he wasn't alone because of their support. Aaron had had enough of her winging and basically told her that he wasn't interested in listening to the memories that she had of Jackson, not tonight anyway. He just wanted to enjoy himself. And that she shouldn't feel guilty for not keeping in touch because if he hadn't come to the ball tonight then he was pretty sure he still wouldn't have heard from her and even though he really didn't want to be rude he said thank you for asking how I was tonight but I really don't need a friend that is just there out of sympathy and he would appreciate it if she would stop crying on his shoulder and let him enjoy his night. Daniel appeared out of nowhere and grabbed his hand, he pulled him away towards the bar and he was grateful, he really couldn't handle any more tears from that woman. He really didn't want to be rude but he just didn't need people like that in his life.

He made his way over to the toilets, he needed to take a breather, he had been doing so well but then that song had come on there song and it threw him. He was just about to leave when he heard people talking out side the cubicle. He heard his name which stopped him in his tracks.

'Have you seen Aaron' he heard jack saying.

'I know' he heard some one else say.

'fancy flaunting your new man around in a place you used to come with your old boyfriend. Boyfriend that isn't even cold in his grave yet.' Jack said

'they could just be friend' some one else added.

'I doubt it,' Jack continued. 'I don't get that close to my friends and they seemed pretty close to me.'

'That's disgraceful' one of the others added

Aaron heard one of the toilets flush. He froze, he was shocked by what he was hearing and embarrassed that it was being said where other people could hear.

The toilet door opened and the men were silenced. 'would you bickering old bitched ever go and get yourself a life.' he heard Adam say. 'It is absolutely none of your business what my_ best friend_ does or does not do! Keep your noses in your own business and piss off the lot of you!' Adam yelled.

Aaron heard the men leave and stepped out of his cubicle.

'Thanks Adam'

'I'm so sorry you had to hear that mate.'

'I don't care what they think Adam. Let them think what they want, it's not like they were friends.' he said trying to be brave. 'I think it might be time for me to head home now though.' thinking of the last letter from Jackson as he said that.

'Yeah ok, make sure you call me though 'cos I want to know what is in Jacksons letter.'

'it's the last one' Aaron said sadly.

'I know it is mate, so enjoy it. Memories last a lifetime remember?' Adam said to him as he hugged him goodbye.

Aaron made his way back to the table to say goodbye to everyone. Daniel stood up to go with him. 'you are not leaving me here on my own' he said laughing.

Aaron was slightly irritated when Daniel hoped out of the cab and followed him to his house, it was quarter to twelve and he only had fifteen minuets left before he could open Jackson letter. He really wanted to be left alone.

'So, how many letters are left?' Daniel asked as he spotted one on the kitchen table.

'That's the last one' Aaron said as he filled the kettle.

'what you guna do after that' Daniel asked as he joined Aaron.

'what do you mean?' Aaron asked a little confused.

'erm, what you guna do after you have opened it, so far from what I can gather what the lost says goes as far as your life is concerned. What are your plans for when there is no more.?'

Aaron could see in Daniels eyes that he didn't mean that out of turn. It was out of kindness.

'I'll just live my life' Aaron replied.

'and will you be ale to do that?' he asked as he walked closer to Aaron.

'Erm I suppose so' Aaron said. Feeling a little uncomfortable at his question and closeness.

'because you will have to make your own decisions' he said softly to Aaron.

'I know' he replied, avoiding eye contact with him.

'and do you think you will be able to do that?'

Aaron rubbed his face, he was tired. Too tired for these sort of questions.

'Daniel, what's this about?'

Daniel swallowed hard and adjusted his stance before him, trying to make himself feel comfortable. 'I'm asking you this because I'm going to say something to you now, and you are going to have to make your own decision.' he looked Aaron straight in the eye and his heart beat wildly. ' no list or guidelines. You are just going to have to follow your heart.'

Aaron backed away from him. He had a feeling about what he was guna say. 'Erm...Daniel...I I don't think that this is the best time...the right time to ...we shouldn't be talking about'

'this is the perfect time.' he said seriously. 'you already know what I'm going to say Aaron and you already know how I feel about you.'

Aaron looked up at the clock.

It was twelve o'clock...


	20. Chapter 20

Jackson touched his nose with his lips, he smiled to himself as Aaron's nose wrinkled in his sleep. Jackson thought that Aaron looked so gorgeous and peaceful when he was asleep, Jackson would lay there for hours watching him, it was one thing the builder loved doing. He tickled his nose again and a smile grew on his face even wider as Aaron stirred from his sleep. 'good morning handsome'

Aaron smiled at him. 'good morning gorgeous' he cuddled in closer to him and rested his head on his chest 'how you feeling today' Aaron asked him.

'on top of the world' Jackson joked with him.

'what do you fancy for breakfast?'

'you Jackson said, biting his nose'

'I'm afraid I'm off the menu for today' Aaron said laughing. 'how about a full English?'

'umm. Would prefer you but that isn't a bad second choice'

'you look good in that' Jackson said as he noticed Aaron had put one of his shirts on.

'mmm, it smells of you' Aaron replied. 'I'm never going to take it off.'

Jackson had noticed that Aaron was rushing around quite a lot lately as he heard him in the kitchen. It was like he didn't want to spend too much time away from him. He knew why, he had not long since had his latest operation in the hope that it would work but nothing. All he could do was lie there. It just seemed so pointless to him, a waste of time. Its not like he was guna get any better. He was afraid though, afraid of where he was going and he was afraid for Aaron. He was the only person that knew what to say to him to calm him down, he was so strong, he was his rock and he couldn't imagine his life without Aaron but he needn't worry about that though because it wasn't him who would be living a life without him, it would be Aaron living that life. He felt angry, sad, jealous and scared for Aaron, he wished he could stay with him and carry out every wish and promise that they had made to one another, and he was trying to fight for that right but deep down he knew he was fighting a losing battle, it was a fight he was never going to win. They had become so close recently, which he knew was a bad idea for Aaron's sake but he just couldn't bear to distance himself from Aaron.

His mind was busy, his new little project. He kept himself occupied as he mapped out his plan to stay with Aaron, even after he was gone. He heard Aaron shout through to him something about needing eggs. He smiled to himself his plan was working. When he heard the door slam shut he shouted for Joe to come through. Today was the first of December and he moved himself forward one year from now when he knew he wouldn't be around. He imagined Aaron to be a karaoke genius, relaxed from his holiday in Spain, bruise free as a result of the bedside lamp and he hoped happy. He imagined him on this very day in one years time, sitting at the kitchen table reading the final instalment to the list. After a lot of hard thought about what to write for his last message, tears filled his eyes as he told Joe to add a full stop beside the sentence. He told Joe to place it in an envelope and post it to Aaron's mums, he knew she would keep it safe until the time came. Joe wiped away Jacksons tears as he went to press answer on Jacksons phone. Jackson smiled as he heard the sweetest voice. 'I Love You Too, Aaron...'

Just a short one guys. Hope you enjoy.


	21. Chapter 21

'No Daniel, this isn't right, it's too soon,' Aaron said upset, he rubbed his face tiredly. Things just seemed to get more and more complicated.

'Whys isn't it right Aaron? And is it too soon because that is what people have been saying or because that's what your heart is telling you?'

Aaron was pacing now, he was just so confused. '_please, _stop asking me questions because I don't know Daniel, I just don't know!'

His heart was beating wildly, his heart was telling him that this wasn't a good situation to be in. This felt so wrong. In a panic he said 'I can't Daniel. I..I..love Jackson,'

'Jackson?' he asked, ' This is Jackson, Aaron' he said as he roughly picked up the envelope up. 'This is what I'm competing with! It's a piece of paper, Aaron. It's a list. A list you have lived by for the past year. A list that you have let make decisions for you. At some point Aaron you are going to have to start making these sort of decisions for your self. Jacksons gone, Aaron' he said a little more gently. 'Jacksons gone and I'm here, I'm not saying that I'm ever going to take his place Aaron 'cos believe me I wouldn't even what to try. No one could and I know that he was special to you, I understand that. I understand that you will always love him Aaron and I wouldn't want you to stop. He was a big part of you, of your life but at some point you are going to have to let some one else in, some one that could love you and will love you, and I want to be that person Aaron if you let me. I know I could never love you like Jackson did and I know you will probably never love me like you loved Jackson but you have to let me try, let us try because I do want to Aaron and I will try my damned hardest to love you like you deserve to be loved. I will treat you like you deserve to be treated.'

He took the envelope from him and hugged it close to his heart, the tears were rolling now.

'Jacksons not gone,' he sobbed. 'he is here, every time I open these he is here.'

All Daniel could do was watch as Aaron cried, he watched in silence. He looked so lost. All he wanted to do was hold him and tell him that everything was going to be ok. 'it's just a piece of paper Aaron' he said softly as he stepped closer to him.

'Jackson is not a piece of paper' Aaron said angrily through the tears. 'he was a living breathing human being that I loved.' He is a million happy memories, he is a man that consumed my life, however long or short it may have been. He is not a piece of paper.'

'So what am I?' Daniel asked quietly, tears filling his eyes.

'You' Aaron took a deep breath 'you are a loving caring and thoughtful friend who I appreciate and respect but...'

'but I'm not Jackson,' Daniel interrupted.

'that's the thing though Daniel, I don't want you to be Jackson, I want you to be Daniel.'

'how do you feel about me Aaron?'

'I just told you how I feel about you.' he sniffed.

'No Aaron how do you _feel _about me?'

all Aaron could do was stare. 'I...I feel strongly about you, but I need time Daniel..lots and lots of time.'

'Then I will wait.' he smiled and wrapped his arms around Aaron.

Aaron breathed a sigh of relief when he heard a horn beep out side. That was Daniels taxi.

'Ill call you tomorrow' Daniel said as he kissed Aaron on the forehead and made his way to the door.

He wasn't sure how long but it felt like hours that he had remained stood there, eventually he made his way to bed. He still had the crumpled envelope tightly gripped close to his heart. He slipped out of his own clothes and put on one of Jacksons shirts that he had kept, they were starting to lose his smell. He slowly climbed into bed and tucked himself under the covers and flicked the bedside lamp on. He felt so cold. He stared at the envelope for an age going over and over in his head about what Daniel had said. He was right, the list had become sort a bible to him, what ever the list said goes, it had run his life for the past year but it had helped him. It had helped him overcome so many fears since Jacksons death. Jackson had helped him and he didn't regret one thing he had done this past year and given the opportunity he would do the same all over again. But this was the final instalment. This was his tenth commandment. There would be no more. The time had come where he would have to start thinking for himself and make decisions for himself. He would have to be happy with this new life and stop wondering if Jackson would have approved or agreed. It wouldn't stop him wondering but he needn't let it stop him.

He turned his phone off, he didn't want to be disturbed. He wanted to savour every last minuet he had with Jackson. This was the special and final moment. He needed to say goodbye to Jackson. He slowly opened the envelope, careful not to rip any of it.

_Don't be afraid to fall in love again, open_

_your heart and follow where it leads you..._

_and remember, shoot for the moon..._

_P.S. I Will Always Love You..._

'Jackson' he sobbed. He got very little sleep that night, his dreams of Jackson and Daniel being mingled together. He woke early the next morning not wanting to dream any more. His heart felt heavy. How on earth had he found himself in this situation. Just when he though the pieces of his shattered life were finally being put back together they were shattered again. He honestly thought that he had found a friend in Daniel, someone who he could confide in. he wasn't looking to be tangled up in some love triangle. As ridiculous as that sounded because the third person in said triangle wasn't even around and would never be again. He did think about Daniel a lot but he also thought about Adam and Paddy a lot. That didn't mean that he was in love with him. What he felt for Daniel wasn't anything like what he felt for Jackson, it was a completely different feeling. Perhaps he wasn't in love with Daniel after all and anyway even if he was in love with him, surely he would be the first person to realise it. But then why was he even thinking about it. Surely it was a yes/no answer and he should come right out and say it...

but he was thinking about it...

**hope you enjoy guys. nearly at the end now.**


	22. Chapter 22

He honestly couldn't understand why Jackson was urging him into finding a new love.

What had been running through his mind when he wrote that message?

Had it really been that easy for him to give him up that easy and resign himself to the fact that Aaron would meet someone else?

All these questions floating around and he would never know the answers. He couldn't take it any more, he needed to get out.

He was walking through the village, the freezing cold nipping at his skin. All he could hear was the sound of laughter. His neighbours were out decorating the trees in the garden.

'Hi Aaron', Ashley said. 'I'm just decorating Laurel' he said as Laurel stepped forward. She was covered in bulbs and lights.

Aaron smiled sadly. He stood there watching them laughing. Was it really Christmas already? He continued his journey through the village, not really knowing where he was going. He would just see where his feet took him. A scream caused him to stop in his tracks. As he turned around he saw Laurel lose he balance and fall on the grass. Laughter could be heard echoed through the village.

Ok Jackson. He announced as he carried on his journey.

I've been thinking for ages now and I can't understand why you wrote what you did, so I have come to the conclusion that you were out of your mind when you wrote that message.

If...if you really and I mean really meant what you said then you are just going to have to give me some sort of sign. He looked up to the sky as he said this. Surely if Jackson meant it then there would be some sort of sign and if not and he was just having a moment of utter madness then he would understand. Nothing, he saw nothing.

'Ok, I understand. You made a mistake.'

He had avoided Daniel at all possible cause. He through himself into his work and avoided going out into town. It was Christmas eve and Adam had suggested they go for a drink, even said they could stop off at Bar West for one but he had politely declined. He didn't know if he could face Daniel yet. He didn't want to be rude but he still needed more time.

Aaron and Hazel were just about to decorate the tree when Adam walked in with a few cans. It was weird decorating the tree, it was normally Jacksons job. It was the one part of Christmas he really enjoyed doing.

'hey Aaron. Got a message from Daniel. He said that he is off to see his family for Christmas. He is heading off tomorrow. He just wanted me to tell you seen as he hasn't been ale to get hold of you that if you wanted him for anything then you could catch him on his mobile.'

Aaron just nodded in acknowledgement. Not really knowing what to say to that.

Later that night Aaron noticed that he had a new message. It was from Daniel. He wanted to see him, said that he had something that he needed to say and that he would rather do it in person.

Aaron deleted the message. He cried, cried for his Jackson and for the first Christmas without him.

Happy Christmas sweetheart. Hazel had said as Aaron entered the living room. 'happy Christmas mummy 2' he said. He could smell the Christmas dinner cooking. It made him sad, Christmas reminded him of Jackson and with that reminder he felt loneliness.

He had already visited his grave this morning to wish him a happy Christmas. It was the first time he had visited his grave since the funeral. He couldn't bring himself to visit, he found it too painful.

Happy Christmas son. Chas said as he walked in and Aaron burst into tears. He really hadn't wanted to do that, he wanted to remain strong but on seeing his mum his bravery slipped. She held him until his tears stopped. 'I'm sorry mum. I really didn't want to do that.'

' it's fine sweetheart,' she hushed. Nothing more was said. She hugged him some more.

He had been round to see his mum after the whole Daniel thing in the hope that she could help him. After explaining the whole situation his mother had asked him how he felt about Daniel.

'I like him mum but I just don't think that's enough.

'are you ready for another relationship Aaron?'

'honestly mum, I don't know. I feel like I don't know anything any more! He is a great friend, he has always been there as a shoulder to cry on. He makes me feel good about myself. But I don't know if I could have another relationship mum, I don't know if I will ever be ready for that. I'm not sure I could give up on Jackson fully. And before you say it I know he isn't around any more and he never will be but that's just how I feel. I know he isn't Jackson and I would never want him to be or expect him to be. I know that what ever I'm feeling is nothing compared to what I feel for Jackson but it's a nice feeling. I don't think I could ever feel like I did for Jackson again and I don't think I want to. What we had was unique and I never want to replace that. But I do like to think that maybe I could love again.

'well Aaron, you are never going to know if you can or can't until you try babe. I'm not saying that you have to rush straight into something but you deserve to be happy. Whether that is with Daniel or not. I just want you to be happy.'

Aaron was having a wonderful time at Adams wedding. They had done a wonderful job on the decorations and Mia looked absolutely beautiful. He was dreading the moment he had to do the speech but he had got through it, he had even brought a few tears to Adams eyes with the mention of Jackson. The party had just got into full swing now and he was sitting back relaxing drinking his drink when a hand was in front of his face.

'can I have this dance?' he looked up to see Daniel smiling back down at him. He hadn't seen or spoken to him since that day. That was until now.

'sure' he said. He was under strict orders that he had to at least dance once that night.

'I have to say Aaron, you look handsome tonight'

Aaron smiled, he was very happy with how he looked.

'that speech that you made was moving, it was beautiful. I wish I could have known Jackson. And I'm sorry Aaron, you said that you weren't ready and I should have listened to you. I was being very selfish.'

'I'm sorry for ignoring you, I just didn't know how to handle your feelings. God I don't even know how to handle my own and in all honesty I don't think I will be ready for a very long time.'

'I understand honestly I do. All I want is for you to be happy. Are you happy?' he asked as he studied Aaron's face.

'for now, yes I am happy or as happy as I can be. I'm celebrating my best friends wedding with the people I really care about and tomorrow, well I will worry about tomorrow when it comes...'

Five...Four...Three...Two...One! Happy new year everyone. Aaron, Adam, Daniel, Mia and there family's were all huddled in the pub celebrating the new year together.

Aaron smiled to himself, he sat and thought about what he had learnt over the past few months, he had come to realise that he had come so far from where he was in the beginning. He had taken Jacksons messages and learnt to help himself heal with the help of Jackson, he had bad days of course where he couldn't be bothered to get out of bed or go to work. But he also had good days, really good days, he had learnt to have more confidence in himself. He was a man that had a million happy memories, he knew how it felt to experience true love and he was ready to experience more, whether that be 1,5 or 10 years from now he was ready. He would honour Jacksons final message and open his heart again and he knew that it would lead him to a good place after all it had led him to Jackson and you couldn't find anyone as honest and loving as him. He had a big heart and he showed Aaron how to use his and how to see the signs for what they are and to not run away from them. In the meantime though he would live and not just exist because after all Jackson thought he was worthy of living and if it wasn't for his help he wouldn't have learnt how to start living again. He would always and forever have the love of and love Jackson Walsh and one day they would be reunited again. He knew deep in his heart that Jackson was waiting for him... He was a very lucky man...

**THE END...**

* * *

><p>HI GUYS, I WOULD LIKE TO THANK EVERYONE FOR THEIR KIND REVIEWS ON THIS FIC.<p>

I HOPE THE ENDING DIDN'T DISAPPOINT TOO MANY PEOPLE.

I WAS GOING TO DO TWO ENDINGS TO THIS FIC BUT THOUGHT AGAINST IT. SO I REALLY DO HOPE IT DOESN'T DISAPPOINT.

THANKS AGAIN FOR READING.


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